Addendum to Grant Coup Story

We would like to apologise for suggesting that Clive Owen would be the Deputy P.M. in the new actors' government.  We did of course mean Colin Firth.  Always getting them two mixed up!

Hugh Grant Set to Lead Actor’s Coup

Pundits are still reeling from the shock revelation on the weekends’ Andrew Marr show that Hugh Grant is to lead an actor’s coup and take over parliament before the end of the year.

Grant laid out his detailed plans which stem from his role as Director of the pressure group Pissed Off and will include himself as the Prime Minister as well as Clive Owen as the Deputy P.M. and Benedict Cumberbatch as the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Grant said: ‘We have been playing senior politicians for years on the screen and I think that qualifies me and my cronies to do at least as good a job as Cameron, Clegg & Co.  Let’s face it; we could hardly do any worse, could we?’

Far from seeming shocked on air, Marr actually started to call Grant ‘Mr. Prime Minister’, no doubt looking ahead and hoping that he won’t be for the chop if the coup is successful.

However, despite the apparent united front portrayed by Grant amongst his Equity chums, he defended himself against Stephen Mangan’s claims that he had been a better Tony Blair than himself. ‘He has obviously forgotten what a Tour de Force Love Actually actually was’ he gushed ‘There will be a role for Mangan in the new government but he’s got a lot to learn before he stops being a trainee.  He needs to watch some more of my Rom Coms and remind himself what he’s up against!’

When asked if there would be any women in the new parliament, Grant said he was holding auditions but hoped that two stalwarts of the political drama, Julie Walters and Lindsay Duncan would apply. ‘We need a bit of glamour really.  I would like to include my old mucker Emma Thompson but she really has very little experience of this sort of role. Mind you, she has done a few posh lady roles so that might stand her in good stead’.

Policies being suggested by Grant include banning all newspapers apart from The Independent, making watching lightweight Sunday night dramas compulsory and having at least one musical number during every parliamentary session.

Grant doing his famous impression of Tony Blair during a recent TV appearance

Moon to be sued over Olympic copyright infringement

The moon is to be sued after it cheekily rose through Tower Bridge’s Olympic rings, briefly forming a unique sixth ring on the London skyline, it has emerged.

A rosy full moon made the audacious move on Friday evening, creating the last gold medal of the day. Watched by millions of lycra fans revelling after yet another day of sporting superlatives at Hackney Marshes, the event was captured by thousands of mobile phone cameras and was uploaded to twitter within seconds.  It became the most retweeted item on the social networking site ever, breaking its own Personal Best for the most spectacular moon rise in history, a record which had stood since 1066.

Whilst the majority of commentators and spectators alike were awestruck by yet another gold medal triumph, the games organiser Moron held an emergency meeting to discuss the blatant breach of the Olympic logo copyright laws.  One official blustered ‘this is an outrage! Who does that damned Mr. Moon think he is, coming out of nowhere like that!  We cannot tolerate this kind of piss-taking.  Of course, it goes without saying that the gold medal will be confiscated – we can’t have one rule for the Olympic cafe down the road and another for the Lunar planet now, can we?’

The moon last hit the headlines in May 2012 when it was briefly dubbed ‘supermoon’ in what turned out to be an overblown piece of propaganda by lunatics.

Army to be Shrunk to Matchbox Toy Size

The government announced in the Commons today that the army is to be reduced to the size of matchbox toys in a bid to end the current epidemic of Spanish slugs taking advantage of the great British Monsoon season.

Speaking to a packed house, the Minister for War and one-time celebrity TV doctor Mr. Hammond, outlined plans to shrink all armed forces, starting with the army, to midget proportions.

To boos and hoots of derision from the opposition benches, Mr. Hammond said: "After inheriting a massive increase in the slug population from the last government, we have had to make tough decisions to implement our vision for a formidable, adaptable and flexible armed forces”. He continued, “This is the first important step in ensuring that this country is safe from the terror of giant slugs, which are mercilessly attacking English country gardens in the worst Spanish assault since the infamous armada. We have to act in a decisive fashion now in order to ensure that Daily Mail readers will continue to vote for us in the future.”

In a scathing attack on the government’s plans, Opposition Leader Mr. Millipede responded:  “This is the pottiest scheme I have ever heard and will leave Britain with literally its smallest army since the Boer War.”

Bu the Minister insisted that the Army would be a "forward-looking, modern fighting machine".

Mr. Millipede said: "This isn't just a midget Army, it's also a less powerful Army as all the artillery and other accoutrements of war will be shrunk accordingly to less than the size of Tonka toys."

Former head of the Army, Gen Sergeant Major, warned that the plans will mean relying too heavily on hedgehogs to help out when there are just too many slugs in one place for the new model army to deal with, which was very risky.

"We all recognise that we have no choice but to down size, and rely more on hedgehogs, but it has got to be made to work and more resources have got to be made available to the actual Army," he said.

Tory MP Justin Streynsham-Smythe, a former army officer and critic of his Leaders’ plans, said the shrinking of soldiers was a mistake. "It probably comes down to whether troops should be shrunk or whether more slug pellets are needed.”

We blame ALW for crap Eurovision songs, say Eastern Europe

 Musical pundits across Eastern Europe have come out en masse to launch a scathing attack on the diabolical British music scene, in particular the interminable drivel of Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Speaking at a press conference in London, their spokesperson Sergey Orloff said: “We are considering banning the UK from future Eurovision Song Contests due to the inane ramblings of Lord Andrew Lloyd-Webber who is almost single-handedly responsible for the claptrap that comes out of your country.”

Mr Orloff went onto say that the endless talentless morons being churned out from reality TV shows was the main reason why the UK performed so badly at the annual contest.

Lord Webber, who as every schoolboy knows wrote the hit song ‘Jesus Christ Superstar, wears frilly knickers and a Playtex bra’ lashed out in retaliation and said “Mr. Orloff is talking a load of hogwash.  For his information, Engelbert Humperdink has not won any talent shows since 1901.  And anyway, it’s Simon Cowell they should be having a go at for starting that whole TV talent contest lark; I’m just trying to keep up in the ratings.”

However, it was pointed out to ALW that this year's UK entry for Eurovision was a desperate but mis-guided last ditch attempt to win the codger vote but that this tactic had tragically backfired.

A music expert said of the Hump: “I don’t think there’s any point beating around the bush. He was totally out of tune and warbly – my ears started to bleed and I just couldn’t listen." He continued his onslaught by saying, “British artists are so dreadful that they make even Russian Grannies and neo-Nazis from the Ukraine look good. If you’re talking about France, Italy, Spain, fine – you might get away with that crap but not in the Eastern Bloc you won’t”.

Amelia Earhart found on desert island aged 120

It has emerged that the legendary American airwoman Amelia Earhart didn’t actually drown when her plane crashed over the Pacific in 1937, but that she did in fact survive and has been living for the last 75 years on a desert coral island as a monkey.

Aerial surveyors unveiled that they made the startling discovery by chance when looking for island idylls to ruin as holiday resorts for footballers.

Ms Earhart made news back in the last century as she was the first woman to try to circumnavigate the globe in a tiny plane. Earhart disappeared over the central Pacific Ocean near Howland Island and was thought to have drown.

However, it has come to light that she actually landed on a reef at uninhabited Gardner Island.  Using submersibles to try and detect the famous aircraft believed to have been swept off a Pacific reef in 1937, surveyors detected what they at first thought was a new species of monkey but did in fact turn out to be the legendary airwoman.

A crack team of anthropologists was sent into interview her but she was unable to make intelligible sounds. However, using patience and the Beginners’ Guide to American Sign Language, they have been able to communicate with Ms. Earhart.  Her first question was ‘who won the war?’ followed by ‘how’s FDR’s New deal going?’

It appears that she survived on debris from the aircraft including broken glass, a bone-handled pocket knife, parts of old shoes, a zipper, a woman’s compact, and a jar of “Dr. Berry's Freckle Ointment.”

There is no evidence of the survival of her co-pilot Fred Noonan although charcoal deposits were found alongside several hundred mollusc shells, as well as a large number of bones and dried pooh apparently of human origin.  When anthropologists tried to questioned her about what had happened to her colleague, Ms. Earhart screeched in an alarming fashion and repeatedly jumped up and down.

Chief surveyor Dick Jones said “We can now confirm that Amelia Earhart did not simply vanish on July 2, 1937, but is in fact a 120 year old monkey who although mentally disturbed, appears to be happy and healthy.”

Tales from the Co-op vol 1

Episode 4. Refurbishing

The co-op are refurbishing the store AGAIN!  I went last week for my normal weekly shop, and the task of finding what I wanted was made even more of an ordeal by the fact that about half the stock had been moved, some new shelving had been put in place and most of them were mainly empty.

Over the weekend when I tried to go and get some fast food after a long walk, they were shut for the work to be done.  ON A BANK HOLIDAY!  And this week was no better; now that everything has been changed around, it took me about twice as long to do my weekly shop and there were signs up saying that due to some cold storage problem or whatever, there’d been no fresh food deliveries and there wouldn’t be one until Saturday.

Apart from the fact that the shop fittings have changed at least three times in the past 12 years as far as I can recall, why have they been doing it at busy periods like tea time and weekends?  Surely it would be better to carry out these sorts of tasks later on when the shop would be shut anyway. Or better still, give up on the pointless refurbs and just concentrate on getting some bloody stock in!

The tills have also been changed and I have a horrible feeling of dread that they are turning the store into a Somerfield.  Great!  Now it’ll be even harder to find the everyday basics – the place will be full of dongo beans and oogy berries or whatever superfoods the Guardian says we’re meant to be eating this week.

3. Cake

A couple of months back, I got a voucher for a free Co-op Truly Irresistible Chocolate or Carrot cake.  I am no stranger to these yummy baked goods and quite partial to them, especially the chocolate one.

 I tried on several occasions to get my promised freebie but every time I went in the shop to redeem my voucher, they were out of stock (hardly a surprise seeing as their stocktaking is legendarily bad).

On about my tenth quest for the free cake, I asked the young woman on the till why they never had the chocolate cake in stock.  She shrugged and said “get the coffee cake instead.  The chocolate one’s horrible anyway”

“No it isn’t”, I countered, ‘it is actually excellent and a favourite of mine”.

“Well I think it’s horrible” she retorted. “I think most of the things in this shop are horrid”.

“You’re not supposed to say that; you work here” I said, trying to make it sound like a joke.

“I hate working here”. She seethed.

Finding I had no response to this, I simply laughed and left her to carry on seething.

 


 2. Grapefruit

I once bought a grapefruit from the co-op.  It was a Saturday hence staffed by teenagers.  When scanning my items at the till, the young lady serving me looked at the fruit for several seconds looking very puzzled. 

Eventually, she asked me: “what is it?”

 Summoning all my self-restraint I managed not to laugh at her ignorance; after all, it’s not her fault kids today aren’t taught the names of fresh produce, let alone eat them.  it’s a grapefruit” I answered her straight-faced’.

She consulted a list of non-scannable items and then looked up at me again “is it a pink grapefruit?” she enquired.

“Err, no, it’s yellow” I informed her, again managing not to crack.

1. You Could Die

One evening recently, I popped into the co-op for a pint of milk.  I thought it would be quicker to go to the cig counter as there is a limit of 5 items per customer.  Wrong!  The person in front of me had two carrier bags full of groceries and then had an issue with a card that wouldn’t go through. 

Having waited several minutes, my patience was wearing thin. I turned to look at the person behind me who was a smartly dressed lady who looked to be in her 50’s.  When we made eye contact, she raised her eyebrows in a show of solidarity with my exacerbation.

With the ice broken, I said to her “You could die waiting to be served in here”.

To which she responded with the tone of someone half her age: “It’s literally true; you could ACTUALLY DIE waiting to pay in the co-op!”