I want my country back!

I want my country back, you effing bastards!

you self-serving twats still holding onto your public-funded gravy train jobs!

I want my country back, you fear and hate-mongers!

I want a country that is not divided

where half the population don’t feel disenfranchised

and the other half are angry

I want my country back, you back-stabbing connivers

I want a country where people are not scared of the future

where young people see hope and opportunity

where we build bridges, not walls

I want my country back, you cowardly rats deserting a sinking ship!

I want a country that is not a laughing stock to the rest of the world

where xenophobia and racism is not acceptable

where people are not scared of being forced ‘back home’

I want my country back, you effing bastards!

Cliff Richard is still a tosser

Sir Cliff Richard has today consolidated his place as the Biggest Rock Tosser ever to walk the earth.  The accolade was awarded live on morning TV as the veteran rocker, aged 107, gave a characteristically self-indulgent interview on BBC Breakfast.  

The death-defying songster was on a rare visit to the UK but denied claims that he had been forced back into the studio following the failure of this year’s Portuguese grape harvest due to austerity in the Eurozone. 

Shamelessly promoting his latest album (his millionth recording to date), he said he would ‘absolutely never stop’ from churning out shite and said he had a team of medical experts on hand 24 hours a day to ensure he will never die.

In a shock revelation, he admitted to being ‘like Dracula’ and having his blood changed on a weekly basis to maintain his sickeningly youthful looks.  He also admitted to often preying on the hordes of his adoring fans and luring them into his lair with the promise of bacon and egg fry-ups to ensure everlasting life. 

He later dismissed controversy on twitter claiming that he was wearing a wig as ‘a load of crap put about by young upstarts such as Simon LeBon’.

Sir Cliff also caused controversy by claiming that Princess Diana had spoken to him from beyond the grave to tell him that she loved his new album.

He was however, visibly upset to learn that his own calendar was being outsold this year by a no-mark Boy Ban off the X factor. Sir Cliff vowed to back in the top spot next year declaring ‘if I have to get naked to do it so be it.  And I don’t give a f*** who gets hurt in the process.  Heads will roll!’

Army to be Shrunk to Matchbox Toy Size

The government announced in the Commons today that the army is to be reduced to the size of matchbox toys in a bid to end the current epidemic of Spanish slugs taking advantage of the great British Monsoon season.

Speaking to a packed house, the Minister for War and one-time celebrity TV doctor Mr. Hammond, outlined plans to shrink all armed forces, starting with the army, to midget proportions.

To boos and hoots of derision from the opposition benches, Mr. Hammond said: "After inheriting a massive increase in the slug population from the last government, we have had to make tough decisions to implement our vision for a formidable, adaptable and flexible armed forces”. He continued, “This is the first important step in ensuring that this country is safe from the terror of giant slugs, which are mercilessly attacking English country gardens in the worst Spanish assault since the infamous armada. We have to act in a decisive fashion now in order to ensure that Daily Mail readers will continue to vote for us in the future.”

In a scathing attack on the government’s plans, Opposition Leader Mr. Millipede responded:  “This is the pottiest scheme I have ever heard and will leave Britain with literally its smallest army since the Boer War.”

Bu the Minister insisted that the Army would be a "forward-looking, modern fighting machine".

Mr. Millipede said: "This isn't just a midget Army, it's also a less powerful Army as all the artillery and other accoutrements of war will be shrunk accordingly to less than the size of Tonka toys."

Former head of the Army, Gen Sergeant Major, warned that the plans will mean relying too heavily on hedgehogs to help out when there are just too many slugs in one place for the new model army to deal with, which was very risky.

"We all recognise that we have no choice but to down size, and rely more on hedgehogs, but it has got to be made to work and more resources have got to be made available to the actual Army," he said.

Tory MP Justin Streynsham-Smythe, a former army officer and critic of his Leaders’ plans, said the shrinking of soldiers was a mistake. "It probably comes down to whether troops should be shrunk or whether more slug pellets are needed.”