I want my country back!

I want my country back, you effing bastards!

you self-serving twats still holding onto your public-funded gravy train jobs!

I want my country back, you fear and hate-mongers!

I want a country that is not divided

where half the population don’t feel disenfranchised

and the other half are angry

I want my country back, you back-stabbing connivers

I want a country where people are not scared of the future

where young people see hope and opportunity

where we build bridges, not walls

I want my country back, you cowardly rats deserting a sinking ship!

I want a country that is not a laughing stock to the rest of the world

where xenophobia and racism is not acceptable

where people are not scared of being forced ‘back home’

I want my country back, you effing bastards!

UKIP leader Nigel Farage NOT standing to be next emperor of Japan

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has said he will not stand in the forthcoming elections for emperor of Japan, it has been revealed.

 

In a blatant attempt to continue hogging the TV news, Mr Farage issued the shock statement this morning, to a BBC journalist in a raincoat, who was hanging around street corners just in case something didn’t happen.  

Farage said that his decision was nothing to do with not wanting to look like “a total tosspot” by entering the contest, as he did not "have any links with the Far East ", adding that he wanted to focus instead on pretending not to be a racist twat, despite mounting evidence that UKIP is full of obnoxious bigots who can’t keep their vile traps shut.

Farage was keen to stress that his major focus was on waging war with Europeans and insisted that if he got elected, he would campaign vigorously for the walls around Calais to be re –erected so that none of them “foreign scum would make it ‘beyond the pale’ “.

But John Knowitall, a top professor of politics at the University of Studies, said UKIP would be "trying to succeed on the back of Farage not going to do anything, ever".

The news comes just days after it was revealed that Farage will not be running for President of North Korea or as World Wide Ambassador for Refugees and Asylum Seekers.

Mr Farage told the BBC: "I haven't had long to think about it but I have thought about it in a half-arsed way, and we're just over three weeks away from a war with Europe at which I think UKIP could be victorious, and from which we can go on and win not just against the Europeans but quite a lot of Asia as well.  For that reason I don't want to do anything that deflects from the main battle, so I'm not going to stand for this particular dictatorship”.

Asked whether he had decided not to run for fear of losing, Mr Farage rambled: "It's about choosing the right battles. It's about prioritising and I know that if I were to have said yes to standing in Japan the next three weeks would be dominated by am I going to win, am I not going to win, and we wouldn't be talking about actors masquerading as immigrants, straight bananas and namby pamby green politics.

Prof. Knowitall added: “He is a total idiot peddling a load of nonsense based on nothing”.

Hugh Grant Set to Lead Actor’s Coup

Pundits are still reeling from the shock revelation on the weekends’ Andrew Marr show that Hugh Grant is to lead an actor’s coup and take over parliament before the end of the year.

Grant laid out his detailed plans which stem from his role as Director of the pressure group Pissed Off and will include himself as the Prime Minister as well as Clive Owen as the Deputy P.M. and Benedict Cumberbatch as the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Grant said: ‘We have been playing senior politicians for years on the screen and I think that qualifies me and my cronies to do at least as good a job as Cameron, Clegg & Co.  Let’s face it; we could hardly do any worse, could we?’

Far from seeming shocked on air, Marr actually started to call Grant ‘Mr. Prime Minister’, no doubt looking ahead and hoping that he won’t be for the chop if the coup is successful.

However, despite the apparent united front portrayed by Grant amongst his Equity chums, he defended himself against Stephen Mangan’s claims that he had been a better Tony Blair than himself. ‘He has obviously forgotten what a Tour de Force Love Actually actually was’ he gushed ‘There will be a role for Mangan in the new government but he’s got a lot to learn before he stops being a trainee.  He needs to watch some more of my Rom Coms and remind himself what he’s up against!’

When asked if there would be any women in the new parliament, Grant said he was holding auditions but hoped that two stalwarts of the political drama, Julie Walters and Lindsay Duncan would apply. ‘We need a bit of glamour really.  I would like to include my old mucker Emma Thompson but she really has very little experience of this sort of role. Mind you, she has done a few posh lady roles so that might stand her in good stead’.

Policies being suggested by Grant include banning all newspapers apart from The Independent, making watching lightweight Sunday night dramas compulsory and having at least one musical number during every parliamentary session.

Grant doing his famous impression of Tony Blair during a recent TV appearance