Films watched 2015

Best Epic - Exodus - Gods and Kings.  Ridley did not let us down

Best action flick - Fast & Furious 7.  Ridiculous but entertaining as ever

Best repeat - Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. Last year’s film of the year and still awesome!

Best has-beens caper - Expendables 3.  Excellent lark although the plot rambles a lot in the middle.  Banderas is a gem and the end fight scene in a ruined Russian hotel resort is a hoot

Most original plot device - The Dying of the Light.  Nic Cage as aged CIA agent in pursuit of aged terrorist, both with health issues.  A novel idea well executed 

Best Arnie romp - The Last Stand.  Arnie as sheriff foils baddies in shit stick Arizona

Oddest Arnie flick – Sabotage.  Like three different films stuck together: i. everyday tale of a weary DEA squad; ii. A whodunit; iii. A Colombian-set western

Best Statham flick – Hummingbird. Jace shows he can actually act as a down and out ex-soldier

Most pointless remake – 13. The budget was so low Statham couldn’t afford a shave.  The basic premise appeared farfetched and the characters’ actions often seemed implausible.  When we watched the original –13 Tzameti (a Georgian tale) it made a lot more sense and rendered the American remake totally pointless

Best film with one character on screen - Locke - Tom Hardy in a car on the phone

Most complicated plot - Cleanskin.  Even after reading the Wikipedia entry, I was perplexed

Most disappointing title - In the Electric Mist.  Adapted from the book ‘In the Electric Mist with confederate Dead’ which sounds way cooler. Also, a disappointingly pedestrian plot

Grimmest film set in South Africa- Zulu.   Cape Town set escapade with Forest Whitaker and Orlando Bloom in scruffy loser cop mode 

Creepiest Christmas film – Calvaire.  Unsettling Xmas fare with shades of Deliverance

Best Horror film location - Chernobyl Diaries.  The characters seemed incidental to the ghostly post-nuclear meltdown backdrop

Most imaginative Zombie film plot - Fallen Soldiers.  Interesting Napoleonic war undead caper

Best low budget horror – Vampire. Imaginative Belgian low budget offering; funny and entertaining.  We guessed it was crowd-funded as the production values improved during the film

Best film based on real events - The Devil’s Double.  Story of the madness of Sadam Hussein’s son.  Inappropriate partner laughter during the first viewing distracted me from some excellent scenes

Close second - the Iceman.  True tale of a Mafia hit man.  I especially liked his ice cream van-driving colleague who used it to get rid of evidence; made a change from selling drugs

Best sci-fi sequel - Monsters – Dark Continent.  Set 10 years later and very different.  More like a war movie with cool monsters

Cutest robot film – Chappie.  Impossibly cute South African robot.   Good story with obvious undercurrents of Robocop 

Close second - Robot & Frank.  Lovely, funny, quirky little film about an old ex-con and his robot helping him do crimes

Best British sci-fi – Narcopolis.  Really good low budget tech-noir

Best Australian sci-fi – Predestination.  Interesting time travel tale with awesome turn by Sarah Snook.  Might even be the best Aussie movie I’ve ever seen

Most disappointing sci-fi – Franklyn.  Billed as futuristic steampunk flick but a missed opportunity and more could have been made of the device 

Most puzzling sci-fi - Ex-Machina.   Better than expected. The puzzle was why feminists were up in arms about it as the men get their comeuppance at the end

Best Western - The Homesman.  The excellent Tommy Lee Jones and Hilary Swank in a sort of Western road movie

Most relaxing Western - All the Pretty Horses. Very calming adaptation f the Cormac McCarthy book

Best shoot-out - Open Range.  Fantastic final gunfight scene

Best WWII flick – Fury.  Very realistic and engaging.   Young actor Logan Lerman (previously known as Percy Jackson) is outstanding

Best British WWII flick - The Imitation Game.  Really good despite suggesting that Turing invented the computer

Best feel-good WWII film - Free Men.  Muslims save Jews in the Grand Mosque de Paris during the war.  Surprisingly relaxing with not many Nazis in it

Best Russian film – Citadel (Burnt by the Sun Part 2.2).  Last instalment of the epic series.  Apparently unpopular in Russia due to an unfavourable portrayal of Stalin.  Odd for two reasons:  firstly, he came across as a bit of a card, and secondly I didn’t think they still cared. 

Best costume drama - The Devil’s Violinist.  Entertaining tale of the notorious Paganini

Best jazz film – Howl.   The Allen Ginsberg obscenity trial with imaginative use of animation

Most thought-provoking German film - Stations of the Cross.  A devout catholic girl sacrifices her life for Jesus.  Austere young priest gives best argument ever for renouncing the trappings of Satan

Most worthy watch – Leviathan.  Russian sticks it to the man with grim results

Unexpectedly good - American Sniper. An interesting narrative from Mr Eastwood

Most impossible to watch - The Iceman (not to be confused with film of same name cited above).  After trying for hours to get it to play, we got 5 minutes into this tale of a 500 year old coming back to life and couldn’t continue it was so bad! 

Army to be Shrunk to Matchbox Toy Size

The government announced in the Commons today that the army is to be reduced to the size of matchbox toys in a bid to end the current epidemic of Spanish slugs taking advantage of the great British Monsoon season.

Speaking to a packed house, the Minister for War and one-time celebrity TV doctor Mr. Hammond, outlined plans to shrink all armed forces, starting with the army, to midget proportions.

To boos and hoots of derision from the opposition benches, Mr. Hammond said: "After inheriting a massive increase in the slug population from the last government, we have had to make tough decisions to implement our vision for a formidable, adaptable and flexible armed forces”. He continued, “This is the first important step in ensuring that this country is safe from the terror of giant slugs, which are mercilessly attacking English country gardens in the worst Spanish assault since the infamous armada. We have to act in a decisive fashion now in order to ensure that Daily Mail readers will continue to vote for us in the future.”

In a scathing attack on the government’s plans, Opposition Leader Mr. Millipede responded:  “This is the pottiest scheme I have ever heard and will leave Britain with literally its smallest army since the Boer War.”

Bu the Minister insisted that the Army would be a "forward-looking, modern fighting machine".

Mr. Millipede said: "This isn't just a midget Army, it's also a less powerful Army as all the artillery and other accoutrements of war will be shrunk accordingly to less than the size of Tonka toys."

Former head of the Army, Gen Sergeant Major, warned that the plans will mean relying too heavily on hedgehogs to help out when there are just too many slugs in one place for the new model army to deal with, which was very risky.

"We all recognise that we have no choice but to down size, and rely more on hedgehogs, but it has got to be made to work and more resources have got to be made available to the actual Army," he said.

Tory MP Justin Streynsham-Smythe, a former army officer and critic of his Leaders’ plans, said the shrinking of soldiers was a mistake. "It probably comes down to whether troops should be shrunk or whether more slug pellets are needed.”