Hugh Grant Set to Lead Actor’s Coup

Pundits are still reeling from the shock revelation on the weekends’ Andrew Marr show that Hugh Grant is to lead an actor’s coup and take over parliament before the end of the year.

Grant laid out his detailed plans which stem from his role as Director of the pressure group Pissed Off and will include himself as the Prime Minister as well as Clive Owen as the Deputy P.M. and Benedict Cumberbatch as the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Grant said: ‘We have been playing senior politicians for years on the screen and I think that qualifies me and my cronies to do at least as good a job as Cameron, Clegg & Co.  Let’s face it; we could hardly do any worse, could we?’

Far from seeming shocked on air, Marr actually started to call Grant ‘Mr. Prime Minister’, no doubt looking ahead and hoping that he won’t be for the chop if the coup is successful.

However, despite the apparent united front portrayed by Grant amongst his Equity chums, he defended himself against Stephen Mangan’s claims that he had been a better Tony Blair than himself. ‘He has obviously forgotten what a Tour de Force Love Actually actually was’ he gushed ‘There will be a role for Mangan in the new government but he’s got a lot to learn before he stops being a trainee.  He needs to watch some more of my Rom Coms and remind himself what he’s up against!’

When asked if there would be any women in the new parliament, Grant said he was holding auditions but hoped that two stalwarts of the political drama, Julie Walters and Lindsay Duncan would apply. ‘We need a bit of glamour really.  I would like to include my old mucker Emma Thompson but she really has very little experience of this sort of role. Mind you, she has done a few posh lady roles so that might stand her in good stead’.

Policies being suggested by Grant include banning all newspapers apart from The Independent, making watching lightweight Sunday night dramas compulsory and having at least one musical number during every parliamentary session.

Grant doing his famous impression of Tony Blair during a recent TV appearance

Vegetables Not Poison Shock!

As some of you may recall, I take rather a cynical view of posh people telling us what to do, particularly if they’re on telly, and especially upper class male twats acting like geniuses just because they can cook (“Look how clever I am!” They cry. “ Cooking doesn’t get any tougher than this!” Well, actually it does – have they been on an arctic expedition recently?)

But last night I could barely believe what I was hearing on The One Show. Hugh Fernley Whitterington sporting a new Guardian-approved haircut was spouting on about his latest money making scam. He was apparently a vegetarian for four whole months and has managed to get a book, a TV series and no doubt a long line of chat show dates out of it which will probably take him very nicely through to Christmas thank you all very much (you may doff your caps now or later).

After regaling us with blindingly obvious facts about how we as a species eat too much meat (which, by the way, is not true of the whole world as he suggested) we were urged to try such exotic vegetables as fennel and aubergine. Excuse me but have we gone back to the 1930’s here? I had visions of him arriving back at his Club and trying to impress his cronies with his foreign discoveries, possibly fresh from a trip to Germany to get veggie dinner tips off Hitler. “I say old bean I have brought some unusual and fascinating edible plants from my travels in Europe. Fear not, for they may taste strange but can do you no ill.”

It may be news to Hugh Fernley Poshington Smug Git but some of us have heard of vegetables, and quite a few people are or have been vegetarian, including Adolf himself allegedly. He could have just gone on Google to find some delicious meat-free treats rather than on a ‘journey’ to discover you can eat plants.

Mind you, such self- aggrandisement is necessary to justify getting paid tons of money for not actually doing anything. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised as the whole of telly is run by upper middle class middle aged fascists who are egged on by a battalion of sycophants waiting to be told what to eat this week.

It is possible that I despise the man-with-new-Guardian-haircut more than Nigel Slater – after all, Hugh Poshington Smythe does own half of Devon whereas Nige only has a pad with huge garden in London.

But which one is posher... only one way to find out.... FIGHT!