Musical
pundits across Eastern Europe have come out en masse to launch a scathing
attack on the diabolical British music scene, in particular the interminable
drivel of Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Speaking
at a press conference in London, their spokesperson Sergey Orloff said: “We are
considering banning the UK from future Eurovision Song Contests due to the
inane ramblings of Lord Andrew Lloyd-Webber who is almost single-handedly responsible
for the claptrap that comes out of your country.”
Mr
Orloff went onto say that the endless talentless morons being churned out from
reality TV shows was the main reason why the UK performed so badly at the
annual contest.
Lord
Webber, who as every schoolboy knows wrote the hit song ‘Jesus Christ
Superstar, wears frilly knickers and a Playtex bra’ lashed out in retaliation
and said “Mr. Orloff is talking a load of hogwash. For his information, Engelbert Humperdink has
not won any talent shows since 1901. And
anyway, it’s Simon Cowell they should be having a go at for starting that whole
TV talent contest lark; I’m just trying to keep up in the ratings.”
However,
it was pointed out to ALW that this year's UK entry for Eurovision was
a desperate but mis-guided last ditch attempt to win the codger vote but that
this tactic had tragically backfired.
A
music expert said of the Hump: “I don’t think there’s any point beating around
the bush. He was totally out of tune and warbly – my ears started to bleed and
I just couldn’t listen." He continued his onslaught by saying, “British artists
are so dreadful that they make even Russian Grannies and neo-Nazis from the
Ukraine look good. If you’re talking about France, Italy, Spain, fine – you might
get away with that crap but not in the Eastern Bloc you won’t”.
