2020 - A Year of the Coronavirus By Numbers

0 Skype or zoom calls made

0 cinema visits

1 Covid-19 antibody test taken for the Imperial College research study. (None found)

1 failed attempt to ‘eat out to help out’

1 theatre visit (Count Arthur Strong - ‘is there anybody out there?’ Grand Theatre, Blackpool. Outrageously hilarious, from vicious attacks on Brian Cox to bizarre popstar impersonations)

1 live exhibition visit (The Forgotten Showman, The National Media Museum, Bradford)

1 virtual exhibition attendance by PJ as a participating artist (the Asemic Art Expo, Venice)

1.5 metres between town markings that say ‘2 metres’

2 lockdowns

2 birthday trips

2 restaurant dinners (Sapori Restaurant, Blackpool; L’Auberge Brasserie, Southport.  Both excellent)

3 café lunches

3 tiers of a clown in Number 10

5 pub visits

5 journeys out of town on public transport

6 lockdown dinner inventions (top picks: lentil & bulgur wheat gratin; Med veg gratin, shashlik-style kebabs)

7 traditional local events cancelled

9 national publications regularly including photos of closed or derelict buildings taken by PJ

£10 spent on a post-lockdown shopping splurge

14 breads and cakes baked (top picks: my hand-finished chocolate cake; PJ's cakey bread)

18 lockdown walks

20 places to buy take-away coffee, pizza and grilled cheese

21 books read (top picks: The Phoenix of Florence, Philip Kazan; This Thing of Darkness, Harry Thompson)

33 non-terrestrial TV series watched (top picks: Brassic; Britannia; Medici the Magnificent)

39 parts to Corvus Diaries written (and counting)

51 haigas written

104 bottles of wine drunk

185 films watched (top picks: 1917; 5 Greedy Bankers; A Personal History of David Copperfield)

300 day-trippers cluttering up the town at weekends

12,000 photos taken

15,276 questions answered by PJ as a ‘Shutterstock Expert’

16,141 words in my far-from completed novel!

Hugh Grant Set to Lead Actor’s Coup

Pundits are still reeling from the shock revelation on the weekends’ Andrew Marr show that Hugh Grant is to lead an actor’s coup and take over parliament before the end of the year.

Grant laid out his detailed plans which stem from his role as Director of the pressure group Pissed Off and will include himself as the Prime Minister as well as Clive Owen as the Deputy P.M. and Benedict Cumberbatch as the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Grant said: ‘We have been playing senior politicians for years on the screen and I think that qualifies me and my cronies to do at least as good a job as Cameron, Clegg & Co.  Let’s face it; we could hardly do any worse, could we?’

Far from seeming shocked on air, Marr actually started to call Grant ‘Mr. Prime Minister’, no doubt looking ahead and hoping that he won’t be for the chop if the coup is successful.

However, despite the apparent united front portrayed by Grant amongst his Equity chums, he defended himself against Stephen Mangan’s claims that he had been a better Tony Blair than himself. ‘He has obviously forgotten what a Tour de Force Love Actually actually was’ he gushed ‘There will be a role for Mangan in the new government but he’s got a lot to learn before he stops being a trainee.  He needs to watch some more of my Rom Coms and remind himself what he’s up against!’

When asked if there would be any women in the new parliament, Grant said he was holding auditions but hoped that two stalwarts of the political drama, Julie Walters and Lindsay Duncan would apply. ‘We need a bit of glamour really.  I would like to include my old mucker Emma Thompson but she really has very little experience of this sort of role. Mind you, she has done a few posh lady roles so that might stand her in good stead’.

Policies being suggested by Grant include banning all newspapers apart from The Independent, making watching lightweight Sunday night dramas compulsory and having at least one musical number during every parliamentary session.

Grant doing his famous impression of Tony Blair during a recent TV appearance

Midget TVs shrink our brains and other organs

The recent trend in watching Film, TV and other entertainment media on tidgy phone screens may be welcomed as a miracle of modern technological science by many, but I’m afraid I just don’t get it.

Why do you want to watch a movie or TV drama on a 2 inch square screen? Apart from the fact that you can barely see the thing, it can’t be good for your eyes.

‘What do you mean?’ I hear you all cry. ‘It’s great – you can watch anything anywhere, like when travelling on a train or bus’.

Hmm, well, I would respond, for one thing we have managed for about a century NOT watching telly when travelling and for another thing, surely all that bouncing around potholes, being pushed and jostled by fellow passengers and stopping and starting every few minutes interferes with your viewing pleasure. Doesn’t it? It might be ok for a YouTube video but a movie?!

‘Ah, but if you’re at home you can also watch one thing whilst your partner or kids are watching another’, you may retort.

True, I may concede, but then again don’t most homes have more than one TV these days? And what happened to sharing the viewing experience? If you want to watch something completely different on TV than others in your household do you have the choice of going to another room to watch your favourite or maybe download it and watch later, or, dare I say it, not watch it at all? Will your life fall apart if you miss a particular show? You may be shocked to learn this but no, it doesn’t.

‘oh you’re just a luddite’ I hear you cry in exacerbation.

Well, that is absolutely not true. I love technology and the things we can do with it that we would never have dreamed of only a few years ago – it’s truly marvellous in many respects. But I believe it should be used in the best way depending on the purpose. For example, I can see a use for midget TV if you want to make your own mini home movies for example and preview them or watch a cat stuck in a toilet for a few seconds of pointless mirth, but how can you possibly enjoy watching a feature length film on an iphone?

And whilst we’re on the subject of download phenomena nonsense, I do wish that Love film® would stop trying to get me to watch films on line. Unless streaming capabilities get about 1 million times better than what they are now, I would much rather stick to my old fashioned DVDs thank you very much. I don’t care if it’s out of step with the zeitgeist but I really don’t see the point in switching from watching movies (especially ones that have took months and millions to make with high production values) in the way in which they were intended to the infinitely lower quality experience of waiting for the spinny thing on the computer to do its stuff and put up with a whole load of delays and glitches, and in many cases, adverts you can’t skip.

I don’t care if that makes me sound like one of them music nerds (which I’m not) that still think gramophones are better than CDs (which they are by the way). I shall continue to go against the grain until forced to conform to lowest common denominator due to market forces.