UKIP leader Nigel Farage NOT standing to be next emperor of Japan

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has said he will not stand in the forthcoming elections for emperor of Japan, it has been revealed.

 

In a blatant attempt to continue hogging the TV news, Mr Farage issued the shock statement this morning, to a BBC journalist in a raincoat, who was hanging around street corners just in case something didn’t happen.  

Farage said that his decision was nothing to do with not wanting to look like “a total tosspot” by entering the contest, as he did not "have any links with the Far East ", adding that he wanted to focus instead on pretending not to be a racist twat, despite mounting evidence that UKIP is full of obnoxious bigots who can’t keep their vile traps shut.

Farage was keen to stress that his major focus was on waging war with Europeans and insisted that if he got elected, he would campaign vigorously for the walls around Calais to be re –erected so that none of them “foreign scum would make it ‘beyond the pale’ “.

But John Knowitall, a top professor of politics at the University of Studies, said UKIP would be "trying to succeed on the back of Farage not going to do anything, ever".

The news comes just days after it was revealed that Farage will not be running for President of North Korea or as World Wide Ambassador for Refugees and Asylum Seekers.

Mr Farage told the BBC: "I haven't had long to think about it but I have thought about it in a half-arsed way, and we're just over three weeks away from a war with Europe at which I think UKIP could be victorious, and from which we can go on and win not just against the Europeans but quite a lot of Asia as well.  For that reason I don't want to do anything that deflects from the main battle, so I'm not going to stand for this particular dictatorship”.

Asked whether he had decided not to run for fear of losing, Mr Farage rambled: "It's about choosing the right battles. It's about prioritising and I know that if I were to have said yes to standing in Japan the next three weeks would be dominated by am I going to win, am I not going to win, and we wouldn't be talking about actors masquerading as immigrants, straight bananas and namby pamby green politics.

Prof. Knowitall added: “He is a total idiot peddling a load of nonsense based on nothing”.

Army to be Shrunk to Matchbox Toy Size

The government announced in the Commons today that the army is to be reduced to the size of matchbox toys in a bid to end the current epidemic of Spanish slugs taking advantage of the great British Monsoon season.

Speaking to a packed house, the Minister for War and one-time celebrity TV doctor Mr. Hammond, outlined plans to shrink all armed forces, starting with the army, to midget proportions.

To boos and hoots of derision from the opposition benches, Mr. Hammond said: "After inheriting a massive increase in the slug population from the last government, we have had to make tough decisions to implement our vision for a formidable, adaptable and flexible armed forces”. He continued, “This is the first important step in ensuring that this country is safe from the terror of giant slugs, which are mercilessly attacking English country gardens in the worst Spanish assault since the infamous armada. We have to act in a decisive fashion now in order to ensure that Daily Mail readers will continue to vote for us in the future.”

In a scathing attack on the government’s plans, Opposition Leader Mr. Millipede responded:  “This is the pottiest scheme I have ever heard and will leave Britain with literally its smallest army since the Boer War.”

Bu the Minister insisted that the Army would be a "forward-looking, modern fighting machine".

Mr. Millipede said: "This isn't just a midget Army, it's also a less powerful Army as all the artillery and other accoutrements of war will be shrunk accordingly to less than the size of Tonka toys."

Former head of the Army, Gen Sergeant Major, warned that the plans will mean relying too heavily on hedgehogs to help out when there are just too many slugs in one place for the new model army to deal with, which was very risky.

"We all recognise that we have no choice but to down size, and rely more on hedgehogs, but it has got to be made to work and more resources have got to be made available to the actual Army," he said.

Tory MP Justin Streynsham-Smythe, a former army officer and critic of his Leaders’ plans, said the shrinking of soldiers was a mistake. "It probably comes down to whether troops should be shrunk or whether more slug pellets are needed.”

Amelia Earhart found on desert island aged 120

It has emerged that the legendary American airwoman Amelia Earhart didn’t actually drown when her plane crashed over the Pacific in 1937, but that she did in fact survive and has been living for the last 75 years on a desert coral island as a monkey.

Aerial surveyors unveiled that they made the startling discovery by chance when looking for island idylls to ruin as holiday resorts for footballers.

Ms Earhart made news back in the last century as she was the first woman to try to circumnavigate the globe in a tiny plane. Earhart disappeared over the central Pacific Ocean near Howland Island and was thought to have drown.

However, it has come to light that she actually landed on a reef at uninhabited Gardner Island.  Using submersibles to try and detect the famous aircraft believed to have been swept off a Pacific reef in 1937, surveyors detected what they at first thought was a new species of monkey but did in fact turn out to be the legendary airwoman.

A crack team of anthropologists was sent into interview her but she was unable to make intelligible sounds. However, using patience and the Beginners’ Guide to American Sign Language, they have been able to communicate with Ms. Earhart.  Her first question was ‘who won the war?’ followed by ‘how’s FDR’s New deal going?’

It appears that she survived on debris from the aircraft including broken glass, a bone-handled pocket knife, parts of old shoes, a zipper, a woman’s compact, and a jar of “Dr. Berry's Freckle Ointment.”

There is no evidence of the survival of her co-pilot Fred Noonan although charcoal deposits were found alongside several hundred mollusc shells, as well as a large number of bones and dried pooh apparently of human origin.  When anthropologists tried to questioned her about what had happened to her colleague, Ms. Earhart screeched in an alarming fashion and repeatedly jumped up and down.

Chief surveyor Dick Jones said “We can now confirm that Amelia Earhart did not simply vanish on July 2, 1937, but is in fact a 120 year old monkey who although mentally disturbed, appears to be happy and healthy.”

MPs Panic as Big Ben Tilts More to the Left

A committee of MPs is to investigate how Big Ben can continue to govern the country, after it emerged that it was leaning dangerously to the left, it emerged last night.

The Palace of Westminster, built during the 19th Century, is also suffering from cracking. Big Ben was completed in 1859 and since then has undergone extensive modernisation including being hollowed out to house a five-storey car park and the Jubilee line.

But construction expert Professor Backhander who oversaw the extensions, said there was no need to worry. ‘When I first started work on the car park it was obvious that it was leaning at one in 250 to the vertical, which is just about visible. That's the break point between moderate government and out-and-out Trotskyism.

‘We've known about it for years and that was a long time ago and buildings do lean a little bit. So these have been there for years and they're certainly not caused by the Jubilee Line or the car park.’ He rambled.

Prof Backhander continued: ‘If you stand in Parliament Square and look towards it, you can just see that it moves very slightly to the left, but I don’t agree that it is leaning alarmingly.’

MPs will hold a crisis meeting today to consider the options. Chaired by Mr McCarthy, the meeting will be shown reports detailing the risk posed by a radical government including the danger of the country sinking into the Thames mud, the breakout of total nuclear war, takeover by hostile aliens and Zombie attacks.

During their meeting the MPs are expected to discuss a proposal to suspend democracy and move in a military junta, or alternatively to abandon Big Ben and sell it to the Russians or Chinese. Another controversial proposal is to relocate all ConDems to a secret emergency base that is ready for use in the event of a Leninist takeover.

According to one expert, the government was definitely ‘sinking into the mud’. but Mr McCarthy countered this alarmism by saying that ‘ although there is a real danger of Big Ben being taken over by damn commie scum from the old eastern Bloc, well-run brainstorming sessions and focus groups can help generate a range of imaginative ideas to rid the world of this terror’.