Army to be Shrunk to Matchbox Toy Size

The government announced in the Commons today that the army is to be reduced to the size of matchbox toys in a bid to end the current epidemic of Spanish slugs taking advantage of the great British Monsoon season.

Speaking to a packed house, the Minister for War and one-time celebrity TV doctor Mr. Hammond, outlined plans to shrink all armed forces, starting with the army, to midget proportions.

To boos and hoots of derision from the opposition benches, Mr. Hammond said: "After inheriting a massive increase in the slug population from the last government, we have had to make tough decisions to implement our vision for a formidable, adaptable and flexible armed forces”. He continued, “This is the first important step in ensuring that this country is safe from the terror of giant slugs, which are mercilessly attacking English country gardens in the worst Spanish assault since the infamous armada. We have to act in a decisive fashion now in order to ensure that Daily Mail readers will continue to vote for us in the future.”

In a scathing attack on the government’s plans, Opposition Leader Mr. Millipede responded:  “This is the pottiest scheme I have ever heard and will leave Britain with literally its smallest army since the Boer War.”

Bu the Minister insisted that the Army would be a "forward-looking, modern fighting machine".

Mr. Millipede said: "This isn't just a midget Army, it's also a less powerful Army as all the artillery and other accoutrements of war will be shrunk accordingly to less than the size of Tonka toys."

Former head of the Army, Gen Sergeant Major, warned that the plans will mean relying too heavily on hedgehogs to help out when there are just too many slugs in one place for the new model army to deal with, which was very risky.

"We all recognise that we have no choice but to down size, and rely more on hedgehogs, but it has got to be made to work and more resources have got to be made available to the actual Army," he said.

Tory MP Justin Streynsham-Smythe, a former army officer and critic of his Leaders’ plans, said the shrinking of soldiers was a mistake. "It probably comes down to whether troops should be shrunk or whether more slug pellets are needed.”

MPs Panic as Big Ben Tilts More to the Left

A committee of MPs is to investigate how Big Ben can continue to govern the country, after it emerged that it was leaning dangerously to the left, it emerged last night.

The Palace of Westminster, built during the 19th Century, is also suffering from cracking. Big Ben was completed in 1859 and since then has undergone extensive modernisation including being hollowed out to house a five-storey car park and the Jubilee line.

But construction expert Professor Backhander who oversaw the extensions, said there was no need to worry. ‘When I first started work on the car park it was obvious that it was leaning at one in 250 to the vertical, which is just about visible. That's the break point between moderate government and out-and-out Trotskyism.

‘We've known about it for years and that was a long time ago and buildings do lean a little bit. So these have been there for years and they're certainly not caused by the Jubilee Line or the car park.’ He rambled.

Prof Backhander continued: ‘If you stand in Parliament Square and look towards it, you can just see that it moves very slightly to the left, but I don’t agree that it is leaning alarmingly.’

MPs will hold a crisis meeting today to consider the options. Chaired by Mr McCarthy, the meeting will be shown reports detailing the risk posed by a radical government including the danger of the country sinking into the Thames mud, the breakout of total nuclear war, takeover by hostile aliens and Zombie attacks.

During their meeting the MPs are expected to discuss a proposal to suspend democracy and move in a military junta, or alternatively to abandon Big Ben and sell it to the Russians or Chinese. Another controversial proposal is to relocate all ConDems to a secret emergency base that is ready for use in the event of a Leninist takeover.

According to one expert, the government was definitely ‘sinking into the mud’. but Mr McCarthy countered this alarmism by saying that ‘ although there is a real danger of Big Ben being taken over by damn commie scum from the old eastern Bloc, well-run brainstorming sessions and focus groups can help generate a range of imaginative ideas to rid the world of this terror’.