The
government announced in the Commons today that the army is to be reduced to the
size of matchbox toys in a bid to end the current epidemic of Spanish slugs
taking advantage of the great British Monsoon season.
Speaking
to a packed house, the Minister for War and one-time celebrity TV doctor Mr. Hammond,
outlined plans to shrink all armed forces, starting with the army, to midget
proportions.
To
boos and hoots of derision from the opposition benches, Mr. Hammond said:
"After inheriting a massive increase in the slug population from the last
government, we have had to make tough decisions to implement our vision for a
formidable, adaptable and flexible armed forces”. He continued, “This is the
first important step in ensuring that this country is safe from the terror of
giant slugs, which are mercilessly attacking English country gardens in the
worst Spanish assault since the infamous armada. We have to act in a decisive fashion
now in order to ensure that Daily Mail readers will continue to vote for us in
the future.”
In
a scathing attack on the government’s plans, Opposition Leader Mr. Millipede responded:
“This is the pottiest scheme I have ever
heard and will leave Britain with literally its smallest army since the Boer
War.”
Bu
the Minister insisted that the Army would be a "forward-looking, modern
fighting machine".
Mr.
Millipede said: "This isn't just a midget Army, it's also a less powerful
Army as all the artillery and other accoutrements of war will be shrunk
accordingly to less than the size of Tonka toys."
Former
head of the Army, Gen Sergeant Major, warned that the plans will mean relying too
heavily on hedgehogs to help out when there are just too many slugs in one
place for the new model army to deal with, which was very risky.
"We
all recognise that we have no choice but to down size, and rely more on
hedgehogs, but it has got to be made to work and more resources have got to be
made available to the actual Army," he said.
Tory
MP Justin Streynsham-Smythe, a former army officer and critic of his Leaders’
plans, said the shrinking of soldiers was a mistake. "It probably comes
down to whether troops should be shrunk or whether more slug pellets are needed.”
