Hugh Grant Set to Lead Actor’s Coup

Pundits are still reeling from the shock revelation on the weekends’ Andrew Marr show that Hugh Grant is to lead an actor’s coup and take over parliament before the end of the year.

Grant laid out his detailed plans which stem from his role as Director of the pressure group Pissed Off and will include himself as the Prime Minister as well as Clive Owen as the Deputy P.M. and Benedict Cumberbatch as the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Grant said: ‘We have been playing senior politicians for years on the screen and I think that qualifies me and my cronies to do at least as good a job as Cameron, Clegg & Co.  Let’s face it; we could hardly do any worse, could we?’

Far from seeming shocked on air, Marr actually started to call Grant ‘Mr. Prime Minister’, no doubt looking ahead and hoping that he won’t be for the chop if the coup is successful.

However, despite the apparent united front portrayed by Grant amongst his Equity chums, he defended himself against Stephen Mangan’s claims that he had been a better Tony Blair than himself. ‘He has obviously forgotten what a Tour de Force Love Actually actually was’ he gushed ‘There will be a role for Mangan in the new government but he’s got a lot to learn before he stops being a trainee.  He needs to watch some more of my Rom Coms and remind himself what he’s up against!’

When asked if there would be any women in the new parliament, Grant said he was holding auditions but hoped that two stalwarts of the political drama, Julie Walters and Lindsay Duncan would apply. ‘We need a bit of glamour really.  I would like to include my old mucker Emma Thompson but she really has very little experience of this sort of role. Mind you, she has done a few posh lady roles so that might stand her in good stead’.

Policies being suggested by Grant include banning all newspapers apart from The Independent, making watching lightweight Sunday night dramas compulsory and having at least one musical number during every parliamentary session.

Grant doing his famous impression of Tony Blair during a recent TV appearance

MPs Panic as Big Ben Tilts More to the Left

A committee of MPs is to investigate how Big Ben can continue to govern the country, after it emerged that it was leaning dangerously to the left, it emerged last night.

The Palace of Westminster, built during the 19th Century, is also suffering from cracking. Big Ben was completed in 1859 and since then has undergone extensive modernisation including being hollowed out to house a five-storey car park and the Jubilee line.

But construction expert Professor Backhander who oversaw the extensions, said there was no need to worry. ‘When I first started work on the car park it was obvious that it was leaning at one in 250 to the vertical, which is just about visible. That's the break point between moderate government and out-and-out Trotskyism.

‘We've known about it for years and that was a long time ago and buildings do lean a little bit. So these have been there for years and they're certainly not caused by the Jubilee Line or the car park.’ He rambled.

Prof Backhander continued: ‘If you stand in Parliament Square and look towards it, you can just see that it moves very slightly to the left, but I don’t agree that it is leaning alarmingly.’

MPs will hold a crisis meeting today to consider the options. Chaired by Mr McCarthy, the meeting will be shown reports detailing the risk posed by a radical government including the danger of the country sinking into the Thames mud, the breakout of total nuclear war, takeover by hostile aliens and Zombie attacks.

During their meeting the MPs are expected to discuss a proposal to suspend democracy and move in a military junta, or alternatively to abandon Big Ben and sell it to the Russians or Chinese. Another controversial proposal is to relocate all ConDems to a secret emergency base that is ready for use in the event of a Leninist takeover.

According to one expert, the government was definitely ‘sinking into the mud’. but Mr McCarthy countered this alarmism by saying that ‘ although there is a real danger of Big Ben being taken over by damn commie scum from the old eastern Bloc, well-run brainstorming sessions and focus groups can help generate a range of imaginative ideas to rid the world of this terror’.