Dirty Foreign Bastards Blamed for Filthy Weather and Zombie Plague

Ravey Davey, has waded into the debate on the recent smog epidemic which has enveloped Britain over the past week.  The beleaguered Prime Minister claimed that the situation was caused by them dirty Africans sending us their filthy dust, no doubt riddled with Ebola as well. 

Initially fobbed off as innocuous mist and fog, weather experts  finally had to admit that the miasma covering large parts of the country was not caused by ‘naturally occurring weather’ but  was in fact a foul cloud of poison.  To take our minds off the risk of death from what historians would call ‘a pea souper’, meteorologists have been conspiring with politicians and coming up with pretty maps in bright colours to seemingly demonstrate how the earth’s air flow has created the problem.  

As it became apparent that the public were not buying into this charade, and in a bid to deflect blame from the money factories of London,  experts are now saying  that the mucky air is a ‘toxic mix’ of contaminated dust from the Sahara and pollutants sent over from France, designed specifically to annoy Nigel Farage.

Unfortunately however, the event has coincided with an Ebola outbreak in sub-Saharan Africa meaning that there is an added danger of the UK being overrun by Zombies before the weekend.

A scientist said: “this ‘perfect storm’ of unseasonal weather combined with tainted air from the African continent and effluence from the Euro zone has created ideal conditions for the Zombie plague.”

In a desperate attempt to mitigate widespread panic, Ravey Davey appeared on prime time TV saying: “I think it is only right for me to reassure hard working families up and down the country that my mates in the financial sector are in no way to blame for this situation.  What we are facing is a global problem, caused mainly by Africans in league with the French. And let’s not forget that the previous government created the conditions to allow this sort of thing to happen.  Anyone who says any different is just plain wrong.”

Whilst namby pamby Southerners have been whinging about their cars being encrusted by the muck falling out of the sky, the rest of the country has had to grin and bear it, being largely ignored by the mainstream media.  People as far north as the Outer Hebrides have reported sightings of hordes of the undead roaming the streets caked in red dust and screaming ‘unclean!’

It is estimated that by the time the adulterated air has been blown away northwards to blight the smug Nordic tribes, 80% of the population of Britain will have become infected.

An Open Letter

Inflicting the views of  middle class knobs with trust funds on ordinary people who are just trying to get by in life and don’t give a shit about your over-inflated self-entitled egos.

I am writing (obvs) in response to a letter pushed through my letterbox on 23^rd January 2014 (please see below). Unfortunately, the coward who wrote it did not have the courage of their convictions to put their real name on the missive  Also, as the letter is full of half-baked libellous drivel, and is totally one-sided, s/he is probably scared shitless of being sued by Sainsbury’s. 

Whilst potentially having some valid reservations about the impact of large businesses on a small economy, the letter totally ignores some key facts about the present state of the economy of the town.

• Many people struggling to survive on low wages could benefit from having employers in the area who actually pay above the minimum wage, provide proper employment contracts and offer training and a career structure to their staff.  It is not surprising that the author of the letter has ignored these facts since they have probably never had to do a proper job in their lives and have no idea what it’s like to worry about money.
• Apart from a handful of well-established shops selling basic everyday provisions, the local economy is currently heavily reliant on middle class over-privileged tossers selling expensive needless things to their mates and a few tourists.  Many basic everyday items are either over-priced or not available at all within the town.
• There are currently five outlets which sell tobacco and cigarettes.  As for purchasing alcohol, besides the well-established supermarket, two convenience stores (which I have to say is a lot cleaner since Tesco AKA One Stop Shop took it over) and the newsagents, you can choose your pick from a plethora of pubs and clubs.  Many of these apparently turn an equally blind eye to the social issues associated with both underage drinking and pensioners with drink problems.
• All of the above contribute to making Hebden Bridge a ‘lovely unique and special town’ (sic).  The increasing number of dilapidated and abandoned premises in key locations (as a result of the failure of pointless business  start-ups based on madcap middle class notions of what people will cough up for) also add to the distinctive ambience of the town.

Sarcastically yours

Mary Conroy

PS: I am on the sick

The letter received 23rd Jan 2014

Christmas TV adverts

Don’t you just love the build-up to Christmas? Tinsel in the shops when you get back from your summer holidays, Santa juxtaposed against pumpkins at Halloween, wall to wall TVM’s on Channel 5, and best of all, those wondrous TV ads that transport our imaginations to a winter wonderland where everything is perfect and magical and sparkly (at a price!)

 

Let’s not forget the highlight of the 2012 ad breaks which of course was the lovely Brad flogging Chanel no. 5 - ‘inevitable’.  In this mini masterpiece, you can actually see the exact second when his soul dies. This might even have topped Nicole Kidman’s effort from 2008 for the same brand (‘I’m a dancer!’) for cringe-worthiness.

This year’s selection box of perfume ads does of course tick all the boxes.  They are reassuringly glitzy, ridiculous (see Gaultier’s On the Docks for a classic example), infused with subliminal triggers and as a result, downright weird.  Charlize Theron as the ‘Icon incarnate’ must feel a bit silly having to say ‘J’adore Dior! ’in that ridiculous French accent (if it is indeed her) whilst walking into camera.  And then there’s the elephant trumpet noise about 30 secs into the soundtrack (a horny bull elephant I am reliably informed). What people do for money, eh?  Not that any of us mere mortals would turn it down if given the opportunity to earn a few mil for a day’s work.

The supermarkets have mainly gone for the angle of selling the dream of the perfect family Christmas (see Sainsbury’s for example).  I don’t know about you, but I have never experienced one of these. In fact, I can’t think of anyone who has.  Even when purporting to have had an enjoyable family Christmas, when asked, people say ‘yes, it was lovely thanks’.  You can tell in their eyes that what they mean is:’ it was okay; no-one killed anyone’.  Why do people put themselves through this hell on an annual basis with all the pressure of having to pretend to have a good time amidst a pile of unwanted knitwear, undercooked turkey and fights over the remote control?

The high street shop crop fair no better, ranging from flogging unattainable glamour and sexuality to sentimental twaddle. For example, the John Lewis offering – a very unchristmassy cover of a whiney song by the pointless Lily Allen provides the soundtrack for cute cartoon animals to hop about, and features a lame gift of an alarm clock. Are we meant to think ‘Ooh!  An alarm clock!  What an excellent idea for an original present.  That’s my Christmas list sorted.'

One thing that has puzzled me year after year is the sofa adverts.  Ignoring the fact that I don’t actually get the whole sofa thing (do people buy a new one every year or something?) why on earth do you have to order the damn thing in September to guarantee Christmas delivery?  I can go on Amazon (other on-line shopping sites are available) and order practically anything I want ranging from a book to a garden shed and have it delivered within a few days.  What’s so special about sofas?  It conjures images in my mind of a workshop full of elves frantically trying to fulfil a Christmas seating order backlog somewhere in Lapland.

Mind you, the retailers have done a sterling job of dragging us all into thinking about Christmas earlier and earlier every year.  I have noticed a worrying trend on social media over the past week which has led me to the conclusion that a lot of people now truly believe that Christmas starts on the first of December.  I even saw a post the other day with the banner ‘On the seventh day of Christmas....’  ‘No you knob head!’ I inwardly yelled, ‘It’s the seventh day of December! The festive season officially starts on Christmas day and lasts for 12 days from then!'

I blame America (well, why not?) After all, they now seem to have turned Thanksgiving into a sort of early Christmas, which appears to, consist of eating a huge dinner followed by four days of shopping.  We have the actual thanksgiving day on the Thursday, followed by Black Friday in which people actually die buying shit, then there’s’ Cyber Monday (also called Mega Monday and Tech Monday) just in case you haven’t spent enough in the shops, you can go mad on the internet to round things off nicely.

Happy shopping everyone!