Sir Cliff
Richard has today consolidated his place as the Biggest Rock Tosser ever to walk
the earth. The accolade was awarded live
on morning TV as the veteran rocker, aged 107, gave a characteristically
self-indulgent interview on BBC Breakfast.
The
death-defying songster was on a rare visit to the UK but denied claims that he
had been forced back into the studio following the failure of this year’s
Portuguese grape harvest due to austerity in the Eurozone.
Shamelessly
promoting his latest album (his millionth recording to date), he said he would ‘absolutely
never stop’ from churning out shite and said he had a team of medical experts
on hand 24 hours a day to ensure he will never die.
In a shock
revelation, he admitted to being ‘like Dracula’ and having his blood changed on
a weekly basis to maintain his sickeningly youthful looks. He also admitted to often preying on the hordes
of his adoring fans and luring them into his lair with the promise of bacon and
egg fry-ups to ensure everlasting life.
He later dismissed controversy on
twitter claiming that he was wearing a wig as ‘a load of crap put about by
young upstarts such as Simon LeBon’.
Sir Cliff also caused controversy
by claiming that Princess Diana had spoken to him from beyond the grave to tell
him that she loved his new album.
He was however, visibly upset to learn
that his own calendar was being outsold this year by a no-mark Boy Ban off the
X factor. Sir Cliff vowed to back in the top spot next year declaring ‘if I
have to get naked to do it so be it. And
I don’t give a f*** who gets hurt in the process. Heads will roll!’
