An Open Letter

Inflicting the views of  middle class knobs with trust funds on ordinary people who are just trying to get by in life and don’t give a shit about your over-inflated self-entitled egos.

I am writing (obvs) in response to a letter pushed through my letterbox on 23^rd January 2014 (please see below). Unfortunately, the coward who wrote it did not have the courage of their convictions to put their real name on the missive  Also, as the letter is full of half-baked libellous drivel, and is totally one-sided, s/he is probably scared shitless of being sued by Sainsbury’s. 

Whilst potentially having some valid reservations about the impact of large businesses on a small economy, the letter totally ignores some key facts about the present state of the economy of the town.

• Many people struggling to survive on low wages could benefit from having employers in the area who actually pay above the minimum wage, provide proper employment contracts and offer training and a career structure to their staff.  It is not surprising that the author of the letter has ignored these facts since they have probably never had to do a proper job in their lives and have no idea what it’s like to worry about money.
• Apart from a handful of well-established shops selling basic everyday provisions, the local economy is currently heavily reliant on middle class over-privileged tossers selling expensive needless things to their mates and a few tourists.  Many basic everyday items are either over-priced or not available at all within the town.
• There are currently five outlets which sell tobacco and cigarettes.  As for purchasing alcohol, besides the well-established supermarket, two convenience stores (which I have to say is a lot cleaner since Tesco AKA One Stop Shop took it over) and the newsagents, you can choose your pick from a plethora of pubs and clubs.  Many of these apparently turn an equally blind eye to the social issues associated with both underage drinking and pensioners with drink problems.
• All of the above contribute to making Hebden Bridge a ‘lovely unique and special town’ (sic).  The increasing number of dilapidated and abandoned premises in key locations (as a result of the failure of pointless business  start-ups based on madcap middle class notions of what people will cough up for) also add to the distinctive ambience of the town.

Sarcastically yours

Mary Conroy

PS: I am on the sick

The letter received 23rd Jan 2014

Review of Films Watched During 2013

Best film (all categories)

Beasts of the Southern Wild– A great film with brilliant stroy-telling, excellent child acting and ace music

Most entertaining

Dark Shadows - Very funny, especially Jonny Depp’s English-speak 

Best script

Argo - ‘Argo fuck yerself’ being the best line

Worst film (all categories)

Rock of Ages - Absolutely terrible film.  I was even driven to write review on Lovefilm to warn others!

Close second and third

Dredd – Atrocious!  Cheap and rubbish plot

Django Unchained - very disappointing. Not nearly as funny as expected and Sam Jackson is actually blacked up – WTF!

Best British film

Sightseers – An interesting premise and quite funny 

British film with worst casting

The Sweeney – Quite an entertaining if silly film but what is Plan B doing in it?

Worst British film

London Boulevard – What was Keira Knightly thinking?

Best foreign film

Tulpan – The first Kazakh film I think I’ve ever watched. Interesting and entertaining

Strangest foreign film

Yamada (The Samurai of Ayothaya) – A weird Thai martial arts do

Best life-affirming

The Concert - A gently funny, life affirming affair

Close second

Live and Become – An interesting story about an Ethiopian boy who goes to Israel

Best Nordic noir

King of Devil’s island – Brutal and stark real-life tale of grimness

Shiniest sci-fi

Oblivion - Quite good for a clap trap sci-fi film despite starring tiny Tom Cruise

Weirdest sci-fi

Prometheus -  A strange film; which started life as a tie in to Alien but took on a life of its own. (One thing you can say for old Ridley though, whether it’s an historical epic or a sci-fi romp, the plot is going to be ludicrous – see Robin Hood as aired on Boxing Day 2012 for details)

Weirdest Zombie film

Deathwatch - WW1 zombie trench horror; funny and yucky in equal measure

Funniest Zombie film

Cockneys Vs Zombies – as well being very funny, lovely to see a bunch of OAPs stickin’ it to The Man! 

Zombie film with daftest plot

World War Z - I mean, no way would planes still be flying about during a world-wide Zombie apocalypse!

Best Nazi Zombie film

War of the Dead – but still not a patch on Dead Snow which is still my all-time favourite Nazi Zombie flick 

Best vampire film

Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter – surprisingly entertaining

Best Vampire/Zombie hybrid

Stake Land - Low budget vampire/zombie western. Imaginative and with cool music 

Best Western

Wyatt Earp’s Revenge - Very good and an excellent portrayal of Doc Holliday

Best comedy Nazis

Iron Sky - Very funny film. Comedy Nazis in space. Fantastic!

Strangest undead- Nazis- but- not- Zombies

Bloodstorm – Norwegian film featuring not-dead Nazis at the centre of the earth, with a weird terminator Hitler – completely bonkers!

Best action flick

Fast & Furious 6 – A glorious romp through shiny London

Close second

Iron Man 3  - Totally barmy but entertaining. Ben Kingsley is ace

Most disappointing action flick

A Good Day to Die Hard - disappointingly not Christmassy

Token thriller flick

Abduction - okay and keeps you guessing, but a disappointingly fizzly end

Best historical romp

The Great Revival – Chinese government funded epic about the start of the CCP. Revisionist but interesting

Best re-telling of a Greek myth

Wrath of the Titans - Better than Clash of the Titans, in spite of what the reviews say. And rattles along at a fair old lick

Best pre-historic epic

AO The Last Hunter - Good except for the totally unnecessary voice over

Best WWII film

Days of Glory – Very grim but good film about Africans fighting for France

Close second

The Round Up - not cheery but some excellent funny child acting

Worst anti-Nazi film ever

Army of resistance – I wanted the goodies to die as much as the Nazis. Terrible!

Best satire

God Bless America - Gun-rampage satire with a few twists

Most convoluted

Cloud Atlas – Very nice to look at but contrived and far too long 

Close second

Trance - Quite good and shiny with great music but a bit convoluted

Greatest missed opportunity

Jonah Hex – A great premise and some brilliant crows but far too short – and it’s not often I say that

Weirdest Bollywood

Endhiron – a sort of Bollywood sci-fi in Tamil. Incredibly daft but a lot of fun, if a bit long.

Weirdest James Bond movie

Skyfall  – The oddest James Bond I’ve ever seen! 

Best portrayal of a has-been

This Must Be The Place - Very good and funny in a nice gentle way

Best re-retelling of Moby Dick

Age of the Dragons – Interesting and imaginative

Craziest kids’ film

Puss in Boots - Excellent animation and funny dialogue

Worst kids’ film

 Hunger Games – Absolute rubbish and far too long. I just couldn’t accept the basic premise and it is so lame and predictable

Best blast from the past

The Final Programme – re-released in September 2013, it really is an odd do and very of its time

Worst CGI

Doomsday Prophecy - Very cheap TVM with worst CGI ever, but a laugh

That-franchise-has-run-too-long now

Resident Evil – Retribution - Same old bollocks

Most disappointing watch

Dark City - As recommended by bloke in pub. A very strange movie in which Keifer Sutherland talks... In... A... Really... Annoying... Staccato,,. Fashion... All...The way... Through

Most revisionist

Angels of Evil- Okay to watch but trying to make out some 1970’s Italian gangster was like some cool Baader Meinhoff dude was annoying. Some good clothes though

Most overrated

A Field in England – I must admit I didn’t really get it; the film or the rave reviews

Christmas TV adverts

Don’t you just love the build-up to Christmas? Tinsel in the shops when you get back from your summer holidays, Santa juxtaposed against pumpkins at Halloween, wall to wall TVM’s on Channel 5, and best of all, those wondrous TV ads that transport our imaginations to a winter wonderland where everything is perfect and magical and sparkly (at a price!)

 

Let’s not forget the highlight of the 2012 ad breaks which of course was the lovely Brad flogging Chanel no. 5 - ‘inevitable’.  In this mini masterpiece, you can actually see the exact second when his soul dies. This might even have topped Nicole Kidman’s effort from 2008 for the same brand (‘I’m a dancer!’) for cringe-worthiness.

This year’s selection box of perfume ads does of course tick all the boxes.  They are reassuringly glitzy, ridiculous (see Gaultier’s On the Docks for a classic example), infused with subliminal triggers and as a result, downright weird.  Charlize Theron as the ‘Icon incarnate’ must feel a bit silly having to say ‘J’adore Dior! ’in that ridiculous French accent (if it is indeed her) whilst walking into camera.  And then there’s the elephant trumpet noise about 30 secs into the soundtrack (a horny bull elephant I am reliably informed). What people do for money, eh?  Not that any of us mere mortals would turn it down if given the opportunity to earn a few mil for a day’s work.

The supermarkets have mainly gone for the angle of selling the dream of the perfect family Christmas (see Sainsbury’s for example).  I don’t know about you, but I have never experienced one of these. In fact, I can’t think of anyone who has.  Even when purporting to have had an enjoyable family Christmas, when asked, people say ‘yes, it was lovely thanks’.  You can tell in their eyes that what they mean is:’ it was okay; no-one killed anyone’.  Why do people put themselves through this hell on an annual basis with all the pressure of having to pretend to have a good time amidst a pile of unwanted knitwear, undercooked turkey and fights over the remote control?

The high street shop crop fair no better, ranging from flogging unattainable glamour and sexuality to sentimental twaddle. For example, the John Lewis offering – a very unchristmassy cover of a whiney song by the pointless Lily Allen provides the soundtrack for cute cartoon animals to hop about, and features a lame gift of an alarm clock. Are we meant to think ‘Ooh!  An alarm clock!  What an excellent idea for an original present.  That’s my Christmas list sorted.'

One thing that has puzzled me year after year is the sofa adverts.  Ignoring the fact that I don’t actually get the whole sofa thing (do people buy a new one every year or something?) why on earth do you have to order the damn thing in September to guarantee Christmas delivery?  I can go on Amazon (other on-line shopping sites are available) and order practically anything I want ranging from a book to a garden shed and have it delivered within a few days.  What’s so special about sofas?  It conjures images in my mind of a workshop full of elves frantically trying to fulfil a Christmas seating order backlog somewhere in Lapland.

Mind you, the retailers have done a sterling job of dragging us all into thinking about Christmas earlier and earlier every year.  I have noticed a worrying trend on social media over the past week which has led me to the conclusion that a lot of people now truly believe that Christmas starts on the first of December.  I even saw a post the other day with the banner ‘On the seventh day of Christmas....’  ‘No you knob head!’ I inwardly yelled, ‘It’s the seventh day of December! The festive season officially starts on Christmas day and lasts for 12 days from then!'

I blame America (well, why not?) After all, they now seem to have turned Thanksgiving into a sort of early Christmas, which appears to, consist of eating a huge dinner followed by four days of shopping.  We have the actual thanksgiving day on the Thursday, followed by Black Friday in which people actually die buying shit, then there’s’ Cyber Monday (also called Mega Monday and Tech Monday) just in case you haven’t spent enough in the shops, you can go mad on the internet to round things off nicely.

Happy shopping everyone!