Dirty Foreign Bastards Blamed for Filthy Weather and Zombie Plague

Ravey Davey, has waded into the debate on the recent smog epidemic which has enveloped Britain over the past week.  The beleaguered Prime Minister claimed that the situation was caused by them dirty Africans sending us their filthy dust, no doubt riddled with Ebola as well. 

Initially fobbed off as innocuous mist and fog, weather experts  finally had to admit that the miasma covering large parts of the country was not caused by ‘naturally occurring weather’ but  was in fact a foul cloud of poison.  To take our minds off the risk of death from what historians would call ‘a pea souper’, meteorologists have been conspiring with politicians and coming up with pretty maps in bright colours to seemingly demonstrate how the earth’s air flow has created the problem.  

As it became apparent that the public were not buying into this charade, and in a bid to deflect blame from the money factories of London,  experts are now saying  that the mucky air is a ‘toxic mix’ of contaminated dust from the Sahara and pollutants sent over from France, designed specifically to annoy Nigel Farage.

Unfortunately however, the event has coincided with an Ebola outbreak in sub-Saharan Africa meaning that there is an added danger of the UK being overrun by Zombies before the weekend.

A scientist said: “this ‘perfect storm’ of unseasonal weather combined with tainted air from the African continent and effluence from the Euro zone has created ideal conditions for the Zombie plague.”

In a desperate attempt to mitigate widespread panic, Ravey Davey appeared on prime time TV saying: “I think it is only right for me to reassure hard working families up and down the country that my mates in the financial sector are in no way to blame for this situation.  What we are facing is a global problem, caused mainly by Africans in league with the French. And let’s not forget that the previous government created the conditions to allow this sort of thing to happen.  Anyone who says any different is just plain wrong.”

Whilst namby pamby Southerners have been whinging about their cars being encrusted by the muck falling out of the sky, the rest of the country has had to grin and bear it, being largely ignored by the mainstream media.  People as far north as the Outer Hebrides have reported sightings of hordes of the undead roaming the streets caked in red dust and screaming ‘unclean!’

It is estimated that by the time the adulterated air has been blown away northwards to blight the smug Nordic tribes, 80% of the population of Britain will have become infected.

An Open Letter

Inflicting the views of  middle class knobs with trust funds on ordinary people who are just trying to get by in life and don’t give a shit about your over-inflated self-entitled egos.

I am writing (obvs) in response to a letter pushed through my letterbox on 23^rd January 2014 (please see below). Unfortunately, the coward who wrote it did not have the courage of their convictions to put their real name on the missive  Also, as the letter is full of half-baked libellous drivel, and is totally one-sided, s/he is probably scared shitless of being sued by Sainsbury’s. 

Whilst potentially having some valid reservations about the impact of large businesses on a small economy, the letter totally ignores some key facts about the present state of the economy of the town.

• Many people struggling to survive on low wages could benefit from having employers in the area who actually pay above the minimum wage, provide proper employment contracts and offer training and a career structure to their staff.  It is not surprising that the author of the letter has ignored these facts since they have probably never had to do a proper job in their lives and have no idea what it’s like to worry about money.
• Apart from a handful of well-established shops selling basic everyday provisions, the local economy is currently heavily reliant on middle class over-privileged tossers selling expensive needless things to their mates and a few tourists.  Many basic everyday items are either over-priced or not available at all within the town.
• There are currently five outlets which sell tobacco and cigarettes.  As for purchasing alcohol, besides the well-established supermarket, two convenience stores (which I have to say is a lot cleaner since Tesco AKA One Stop Shop took it over) and the newsagents, you can choose your pick from a plethora of pubs and clubs.  Many of these apparently turn an equally blind eye to the social issues associated with both underage drinking and pensioners with drink problems.
• All of the above contribute to making Hebden Bridge a ‘lovely unique and special town’ (sic).  The increasing number of dilapidated and abandoned premises in key locations (as a result of the failure of pointless business  start-ups based on madcap middle class notions of what people will cough up for) also add to the distinctive ambience of the town.

Sarcastically yours

Mary Conroy

PS: I am on the sick

The letter received 23rd Jan 2014