An Open Letter

Inflicting the views of  middle class knobs with trust funds on ordinary people who are just trying to get by in life and don’t give a shit about your over-inflated self-entitled egos.

I am writing (obvs) in response to a letter pushed through my letterbox on 23^rd January 2014 (please see below). Unfortunately, the coward who wrote it did not have the courage of their convictions to put their real name on the missive  Also, as the letter is full of half-baked libellous drivel, and is totally one-sided, s/he is probably scared shitless of being sued by Sainsbury’s. 

Whilst potentially having some valid reservations about the impact of large businesses on a small economy, the letter totally ignores some key facts about the present state of the economy of the town.

• Many people struggling to survive on low wages could benefit from having employers in the area who actually pay above the minimum wage, provide proper employment contracts and offer training and a career structure to their staff.  It is not surprising that the author of the letter has ignored these facts since they have probably never had to do a proper job in their lives and have no idea what it’s like to worry about money.
• Apart from a handful of well-established shops selling basic everyday provisions, the local economy is currently heavily reliant on middle class over-privileged tossers selling expensive needless things to their mates and a few tourists.  Many basic everyday items are either over-priced or not available at all within the town.
• There are currently five outlets which sell tobacco and cigarettes.  As for purchasing alcohol, besides the well-established supermarket, two convenience stores (which I have to say is a lot cleaner since Tesco AKA One Stop Shop took it over) and the newsagents, you can choose your pick from a plethora of pubs and clubs.  Many of these apparently turn an equally blind eye to the social issues associated with both underage drinking and pensioners with drink problems.
• All of the above contribute to making Hebden Bridge a ‘lovely unique and special town’ (sic).  The increasing number of dilapidated and abandoned premises in key locations (as a result of the failure of pointless business  start-ups based on madcap middle class notions of what people will cough up for) also add to the distinctive ambience of the town.

Sarcastically yours

Mary Conroy

PS: I am on the sick

The letter received 23rd Jan 2014

Vegetables Not Poison Shock!

As some of you may recall, I take rather a cynical view of posh people telling us what to do, particularly if they’re on telly, and especially upper class male twats acting like geniuses just because they can cook (“Look how clever I am!” They cry. “ Cooking doesn’t get any tougher than this!” Well, actually it does – have they been on an arctic expedition recently?)

But last night I could barely believe what I was hearing on The One Show. Hugh Fernley Whitterington sporting a new Guardian-approved haircut was spouting on about his latest money making scam. He was apparently a vegetarian for four whole months and has managed to get a book, a TV series and no doubt a long line of chat show dates out of it which will probably take him very nicely through to Christmas thank you all very much (you may doff your caps now or later).

After regaling us with blindingly obvious facts about how we as a species eat too much meat (which, by the way, is not true of the whole world as he suggested) we were urged to try such exotic vegetables as fennel and aubergine. Excuse me but have we gone back to the 1930’s here? I had visions of him arriving back at his Club and trying to impress his cronies with his foreign discoveries, possibly fresh from a trip to Germany to get veggie dinner tips off Hitler. “I say old bean I have brought some unusual and fascinating edible plants from my travels in Europe. Fear not, for they may taste strange but can do you no ill.”

It may be news to Hugh Fernley Poshington Smug Git but some of us have heard of vegetables, and quite a few people are or have been vegetarian, including Adolf himself allegedly. He could have just gone on Google to find some delicious meat-free treats rather than on a ‘journey’ to discover you can eat plants.

Mind you, such self- aggrandisement is necessary to justify getting paid tons of money for not actually doing anything. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised as the whole of telly is run by upper middle class middle aged fascists who are egged on by a battalion of sycophants waiting to be told what to eat this week.

It is possible that I despise the man-with-new-Guardian-haircut more than Nigel Slater – after all, Hugh Poshington Smythe does own half of Devon whereas Nige only has a pad with huge garden in London.

But which one is posher... only one way to find out.... FIGHT!