Review of Films Watched During 2013

Best film (all categories)

Beasts of the Southern Wild– A great film with brilliant stroy-telling, excellent child acting and ace music

Most entertaining

Dark Shadows - Very funny, especially Jonny Depp’s English-speak 

Best script

Argo - ‘Argo fuck yerself’ being the best line

Worst film (all categories)

Rock of Ages - Absolutely terrible film.  I was even driven to write review on Lovefilm to warn others!

Close second and third

Dredd – Atrocious!  Cheap and rubbish plot

Django Unchained - very disappointing. Not nearly as funny as expected and Sam Jackson is actually blacked up – WTF!

Best British film

Sightseers – An interesting premise and quite funny 

British film with worst casting

The Sweeney – Quite an entertaining if silly film but what is Plan B doing in it?

Worst British film

London Boulevard – What was Keira Knightly thinking?

Best foreign film

Tulpan – The first Kazakh film I think I’ve ever watched. Interesting and entertaining

Strangest foreign film

Yamada (The Samurai of Ayothaya) – A weird Thai martial arts do

Best life-affirming

The Concert - A gently funny, life affirming affair

Close second

Live and Become – An interesting story about an Ethiopian boy who goes to Israel

Best Nordic noir

King of Devil’s island – Brutal and stark real-life tale of grimness

Shiniest sci-fi

Oblivion - Quite good for a clap trap sci-fi film despite starring tiny Tom Cruise

Weirdest sci-fi

Prometheus -  A strange film; which started life as a tie in to Alien but took on a life of its own. (One thing you can say for old Ridley though, whether it’s an historical epic or a sci-fi romp, the plot is going to be ludicrous – see Robin Hood as aired on Boxing Day 2012 for details)

Weirdest Zombie film

Deathwatch - WW1 zombie trench horror; funny and yucky in equal measure

Funniest Zombie film

Cockneys Vs Zombies – as well being very funny, lovely to see a bunch of OAPs stickin’ it to The Man! 

Zombie film with daftest plot

World War Z - I mean, no way would planes still be flying about during a world-wide Zombie apocalypse!

Best Nazi Zombie film

War of the Dead – but still not a patch on Dead Snow which is still my all-time favourite Nazi Zombie flick 

Best vampire film

Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter – surprisingly entertaining

Best Vampire/Zombie hybrid

Stake Land - Low budget vampire/zombie western. Imaginative and with cool music 

Best Western

Wyatt Earp’s Revenge - Very good and an excellent portrayal of Doc Holliday

Best comedy Nazis

Iron Sky - Very funny film. Comedy Nazis in space. Fantastic!

Strangest undead- Nazis- but- not- Zombies

Bloodstorm – Norwegian film featuring not-dead Nazis at the centre of the earth, with a weird terminator Hitler – completely bonkers!

Best action flick

Fast & Furious 6 – A glorious romp through shiny London

Close second

Iron Man 3  - Totally barmy but entertaining. Ben Kingsley is ace

Most disappointing action flick

A Good Day to Die Hard - disappointingly not Christmassy

Token thriller flick

Abduction - okay and keeps you guessing, but a disappointingly fizzly end

Best historical romp

The Great Revival – Chinese government funded epic about the start of the CCP. Revisionist but interesting

Best re-telling of a Greek myth

Wrath of the Titans - Better than Clash of the Titans, in spite of what the reviews say. And rattles along at a fair old lick

Best pre-historic epic

AO The Last Hunter - Good except for the totally unnecessary voice over

Best WWII film

Days of Glory – Very grim but good film about Africans fighting for France

Close second

The Round Up - not cheery but some excellent funny child acting

Worst anti-Nazi film ever

Army of resistance – I wanted the goodies to die as much as the Nazis. Terrible!

Best satire

God Bless America - Gun-rampage satire with a few twists

Most convoluted

Cloud Atlas – Very nice to look at but contrived and far too long 

Close second

Trance - Quite good and shiny with great music but a bit convoluted

Greatest missed opportunity

Jonah Hex – A great premise and some brilliant crows but far too short – and it’s not often I say that

Weirdest Bollywood

Endhiron – a sort of Bollywood sci-fi in Tamil. Incredibly daft but a lot of fun, if a bit long.

Weirdest James Bond movie

Skyfall  – The oddest James Bond I’ve ever seen! 

Best portrayal of a has-been

This Must Be The Place - Very good and funny in a nice gentle way

Best re-retelling of Moby Dick

Age of the Dragons – Interesting and imaginative

Craziest kids’ film

Puss in Boots - Excellent animation and funny dialogue

Worst kids’ film

 Hunger Games – Absolute rubbish and far too long. I just couldn’t accept the basic premise and it is so lame and predictable

Best blast from the past

The Final Programme – re-released in September 2013, it really is an odd do and very of its time

Worst CGI

Doomsday Prophecy - Very cheap TVM with worst CGI ever, but a laugh

That-franchise-has-run-too-long now

Resident Evil – Retribution - Same old bollocks

Most disappointing watch

Dark City - As recommended by bloke in pub. A very strange movie in which Keifer Sutherland talks... In... A... Really... Annoying... Staccato,,. Fashion... All...The way... Through

Most revisionist

Angels of Evil- Okay to watch but trying to make out some 1970’s Italian gangster was like some cool Baader Meinhoff dude was annoying. Some good clothes though

Most overrated

A Field in England – I must admit I didn’t really get it; the film or the rave reviews

Christmas TV adverts

Don’t you just love the build-up to Christmas? Tinsel in the shops when you get back from your summer holidays, Santa juxtaposed against pumpkins at Halloween, wall to wall TVM’s on Channel 5, and best of all, those wondrous TV ads that transport our imaginations to a winter wonderland where everything is perfect and magical and sparkly (at a price!)

 

Let’s not forget the highlight of the 2012 ad breaks which of course was the lovely Brad flogging Chanel no. 5 - ‘inevitable’.  In this mini masterpiece, you can actually see the exact second when his soul dies. This might even have topped Nicole Kidman’s effort from 2008 for the same brand (‘I’m a dancer!’) for cringe-worthiness.

This year’s selection box of perfume ads does of course tick all the boxes.  They are reassuringly glitzy, ridiculous (see Gaultier’s On the Docks for a classic example), infused with subliminal triggers and as a result, downright weird.  Charlize Theron as the ‘Icon incarnate’ must feel a bit silly having to say ‘J’adore Dior! ’in that ridiculous French accent (if it is indeed her) whilst walking into camera.  And then there’s the elephant trumpet noise about 30 secs into the soundtrack (a horny bull elephant I am reliably informed). What people do for money, eh?  Not that any of us mere mortals would turn it down if given the opportunity to earn a few mil for a day’s work.

The supermarkets have mainly gone for the angle of selling the dream of the perfect family Christmas (see Sainsbury’s for example).  I don’t know about you, but I have never experienced one of these. In fact, I can’t think of anyone who has.  Even when purporting to have had an enjoyable family Christmas, when asked, people say ‘yes, it was lovely thanks’.  You can tell in their eyes that what they mean is:’ it was okay; no-one killed anyone’.  Why do people put themselves through this hell on an annual basis with all the pressure of having to pretend to have a good time amidst a pile of unwanted knitwear, undercooked turkey and fights over the remote control?

The high street shop crop fair no better, ranging from flogging unattainable glamour and sexuality to sentimental twaddle. For example, the John Lewis offering – a very unchristmassy cover of a whiney song by the pointless Lily Allen provides the soundtrack for cute cartoon animals to hop about, and features a lame gift of an alarm clock. Are we meant to think ‘Ooh!  An alarm clock!  What an excellent idea for an original present.  That’s my Christmas list sorted.'

One thing that has puzzled me year after year is the sofa adverts.  Ignoring the fact that I don’t actually get the whole sofa thing (do people buy a new one every year or something?) why on earth do you have to order the damn thing in September to guarantee Christmas delivery?  I can go on Amazon (other on-line shopping sites are available) and order practically anything I want ranging from a book to a garden shed and have it delivered within a few days.  What’s so special about sofas?  It conjures images in my mind of a workshop full of elves frantically trying to fulfil a Christmas seating order backlog somewhere in Lapland.

Mind you, the retailers have done a sterling job of dragging us all into thinking about Christmas earlier and earlier every year.  I have noticed a worrying trend on social media over the past week which has led me to the conclusion that a lot of people now truly believe that Christmas starts on the first of December.  I even saw a post the other day with the banner ‘On the seventh day of Christmas....’  ‘No you knob head!’ I inwardly yelled, ‘It’s the seventh day of December! The festive season officially starts on Christmas day and lasts for 12 days from then!'

I blame America (well, why not?) After all, they now seem to have turned Thanksgiving into a sort of early Christmas, which appears to, consist of eating a huge dinner followed by four days of shopping.  We have the actual thanksgiving day on the Thursday, followed by Black Friday in which people actually die buying shit, then there’s’ Cyber Monday (also called Mega Monday and Tech Monday) just in case you haven’t spent enough in the shops, you can go mad on the internet to round things off nicely.

Happy shopping everyone!

Cliff Richard is still a tosser

Sir Cliff Richard has today consolidated his place as the Biggest Rock Tosser ever to walk the earth.  The accolade was awarded live on morning TV as the veteran rocker, aged 107, gave a characteristically self-indulgent interview on BBC Breakfast.  

The death-defying songster was on a rare visit to the UK but denied claims that he had been forced back into the studio following the failure of this year’s Portuguese grape harvest due to austerity in the Eurozone. 

Shamelessly promoting his latest album (his millionth recording to date), he said he would ‘absolutely never stop’ from churning out shite and said he had a team of medical experts on hand 24 hours a day to ensure he will never die.

In a shock revelation, he admitted to being ‘like Dracula’ and having his blood changed on a weekly basis to maintain his sickeningly youthful looks.  He also admitted to often preying on the hordes of his adoring fans and luring them into his lair with the promise of bacon and egg fry-ups to ensure everlasting life. 

He later dismissed controversy on twitter claiming that he was wearing a wig as ‘a load of crap put about by young upstarts such as Simon LeBon’.

Sir Cliff also caused controversy by claiming that Princess Diana had spoken to him from beyond the grave to tell him that she loved his new album.

He was however, visibly upset to learn that his own calendar was being outsold this year by a no-mark Boy Ban off the X factor. Sir Cliff vowed to back in the top spot next year declaring ‘if I have to get naked to do it so be it.  And I don’t give a f*** who gets hurt in the process.  Heads will roll!’

Letsos Hell

Overview and initial impressions

We have just returned from a two week holiday in Alikanas, Zakynthos.  We had a nice time; lots of relaxing but not much resting if that makes sense, largely due to the noisy location of the accommodation.  Alikanas is a small holiday village, with a beautiful sandy beach, a gorgeous shallow bay ideal for the less confident swimmer and breathtaking scenery – as can be seen from the photo below. (More photos at: http://sdrv.ms/17QpYKr ).

When we fancied a break from the sunbeds, it was very easy to do something else – catch a bus to Zante town, book a boat trip from the tiny harbour at the edge of the bay, take a walk along the shoreline or river, or hire a bike.

1 The beautiful bay as seen from Neraida restaurant, Alikanas

Now that I have painted a background picture for you of this ideal holiday location, let me go on to describe the accommodation which was far from ideal, not only because it was located on the main road and quite close to a couple of noisy bars, but also because it was, in a word, grotty. 

As we had booked a last minute ‘flight ‘n’ hotel deal’, we had the same rights as if we’d booked independently which is to say, absolutely no come-back at all - you pays yer money and takes yer choice as they say. But I did feel sorry for people who had booked an expensive package – I spoke to a Welsh guy who’d paid Thomas Cook £1,200 for a week’s holiday for himself and his wife!  Needless to say, there were complaints but I daresay to no avail. 

We actually thought at the time of booking that we had done quite well for a last minute cheapie.  The hotel looked lovely on the internet (marketing genius somewhere behind the scenes obviously).  When we arrived, we were impressed by the aspect of the main hotel with a bright airy reception and nice looking facilities.  

However, our initial good impression lasted literally seconds as the grumpy hotel owner (reminiscent of Basil Fawlty) kept us waiting, after we’d been travelling all day, while he chatted to various mates.  He also immediately tried to sell us extras such as air conditioning (which he admitted didn’t work but he had a crack team of expert Greek mechanics working on the problem!)  Eventually, we got checked in (even though Basil didn’t seem to know how long we had booked for) and a man of very small stature grabbed my suitcase and led us at break-neck speed out of the main hotel building, across the road and into the annex building (I know this isn’t very PC but he really was a ringer for Manuel thus reinforcing the initial impression that we had indeed booked into the Greek equivalent of Fawlty Towers). It was obvious to us that the annex building pre-dated the hotel by about four decades and the lovely picture on the hotel website belied the fact that it presented a very stark exterior (see photos below), fronting onto THE main road of the island, with traffic almost constantly whizzing past between Alykes and Zante Town.

We did consider moving hotels but we are living on a reduced income these days and I didn’t much like the idea of spending more money on accommodation.  Instead, we decided to put up with it and get on with enjoying ourselves.  As the fortnight wore on, it actually became a bit of a running joke to be honest and part of the fun. Hence why I decided to record some images for posterity and post this blog.

2.Here is a picture of the Letsos Hotel annex from their own website.http://www.letsos-hotel.com/

 

3. And here is a photo I took of the actual annex exterior:

Where are the trees?  Where’s the nice fresh-looking decor? It’s not even the same building, is it?

Interior

And now for the inside...let me just say upfront for those of you who think I am being picky, that I am well used to basic 2 star Greek studios, having stayed in them about a dozen times.  I am even used to different standards of cleanliness, sometimes just because the owners don’t really know what us first world tourists expect, but the general dirtiness and tatiness of this particular gem took the biscuit, and it was obvious from our encounter with Basil that he didn’t give a monkeys. 

Let me take you on a tour. First the kitchenette:

Okay, you always get one of these hilarious 2-ring communist-era cookers, but check out the rust on this one! Also, the knob for the smaller ring fell off when you twisted it and it was impossible to know if it was on or off.  In the past, we have managed a Greek bacon n egg fried breakfast on such equipment but I wouldn’t even attempt anything more daring than boiling an egg on this damn thing.

 


This picture of the ice box in the fridge was taken AFTER we hacked off half the ice so the blasted thing would shut!  I felt like charging the hotel for our labour but as it was obvious from our first encounter that Basil didn’t give a toss about anything apart from making a profit, this would have been futile.






The main sleeping/living area was just generally tatty and dirty as can be seen from these examples illustrating peeling paint, cracks, mould and dust:

 Cracks in the ceiling...

 More cracks in the ceiling...

Mouldy pillow (this was a spare so not used)

Filthy floor tiles – despite us cleaning in-between the maid cleaning, it was impossible to get the place clean










The general impression that the building had not seen a lick of paint since it was built several decades ago, continued out on the balcony:

 Cracks and rust on the balcony

 More balcony cracks

Balcony floor - not cleaned once during our stay (except by us)

And the view from the balcony of the loverly pool wasn’t much of an improvement. Okay, it may not look too hideous, but note the cracked tiles along the far edge of the pool and the debris in the water.  To be fair, someone did make an attempt to clean the autumn leaves out on our last night.  (That’s if you count someone holding a pool vacuum cleaner - which wasn’t even plugged in correctly- in one hand and a mobile phone in the other and ineffectually sweeping up and down whilst whingeing to his mate as ‘work’).  It was tempting to shout down ‘you need a net to get leaves out!’ but instead we just watched from the balcony and laughed.

And now, for the piece de resistance... drum roll please ... the bathroom!

Bathroom window - filthy and broken

Toilet seat - with rust marks from leaking cistern

Pipe beneath bathroom sink - encrusted with limescale

Bathroom mirror - not cleaned once

To conclude

 

Last Thursday, towards the end of our holiday, I bumped into a Cosmo Holiday Rep and got into a conversation with her about the awful state of the accommodation and the obvious indifference of the Hotel owner. ‘Well, he’s Greek’ she said, as if that explained his rude and uncaring attitude.  She told me there was an English/speaking receptionist who it was worth talking to (a bit late, I thought). 

The next day when we returned in the evening to get washed and changed, there were notices taped up around the Annex:

 

Again, I thought, it's a bit late now, but my partner decided to go over to the main hotel reception and find out more.  There was no sign, yet again, of the mythical nice English lady so he got to ‘talk’ to grumpy bollocks again who grunted something about ‘maybe tomorrow’.  As we were due to leave in 2 days’ time, we felt this was a complete waste of time and in fact, decided that the notices were just some form of cruel joke to add insult to injury. 

Well, it’s one to put down to experience. We obviously did not do enough research into the hotel before we booked and we had chosen poorly. Looking back at these photos it actually looks even worse than it did at the time - it's amazing what you get used to isn't it? I would definitely go back to Alikanas but I would avoid this hotel like the plague!  There are plenty of nice-looking studio apartment buildings opposite the beach and towards the quieter Old Alikanas which would make for a much more peaceful and pleasant stay.