Solar eruption strongest evidence yet that Mayans were right

The sun is currently bombarding Earth with radiation from the biggest solar storm in almost seven millennia, the clearest sign yet that the Mayans were right.

The solar flare occurred at the beginning of the week with the radiation hitting Earth an hour later and will probably result in the end of the world by Wednesday, experts say.

‘We have already had a wave of electromagnetic radiation, followed by radiation in the form of protons. Next, the world will be hit by a coronal mass ejection - plasma from the sun itself’, according to physics expert, Prof Doug Wisecracker.

Plasma causes most of the problems on Earth, such as war, famine and David Cameron.

Prof Doug Wisecracker continued: ‘The whole volume of space between here and Jupiter is just filled with protons and you just don't get rid of them like that,’ he said, explaining why the effects will be catastrophic.

Experts from NASA examined the solar flare's expected effects. They decided that it is futile for the six astronauts on the International Space Station to attempt anything to protect themselves from the radiation, as they are doomed to a fiery, but thankfully quick, death.

They will be counting themselves lucky however, as the rest of the earth’s inhabitants will be assailed with earthquakes, tsunamis and other stereotypical disaster-type scenarios as seen in the recent prophetic docu-drama 2012.

Last year, scientists adamantly stated that the end of the world would definitely not happen in 2012. However, this new development proves once and for all that they don’t know what the hell they’re talking about.

‘We haven't had an Armageddon quite like this since the dinosaurs got wiped out,’ Mayan specialist Mr Puke said. ‘It's kind of special.’

Earthlings in the Northern hemisphere can console themselves however, with a picturesque side-effect of the catastrophe, the sighting of the northern lights as far south as the Tan Hill pub. ‘You may die screaming but at least you can have a nice pint of Black Sheep and a lovely view in the process’ said one regular.

MPs Panic as Big Ben Tilts More to the Left

A committee of MPs is to investigate how Big Ben can continue to govern the country, after it emerged that it was leaning dangerously to the left, it emerged last night.

The Palace of Westminster, built during the 19th Century, is also suffering from cracking. Big Ben was completed in 1859 and since then has undergone extensive modernisation including being hollowed out to house a five-storey car park and the Jubilee line.

But construction expert Professor Backhander who oversaw the extensions, said there was no need to worry. ‘When I first started work on the car park it was obvious that it was leaning at one in 250 to the vertical, which is just about visible. That's the break point between moderate government and out-and-out Trotskyism.

‘We've known about it for years and that was a long time ago and buildings do lean a little bit. So these have been there for years and they're certainly not caused by the Jubilee Line or the car park.’ He rambled.

Prof Backhander continued: ‘If you stand in Parliament Square and look towards it, you can just see that it moves very slightly to the left, but I don’t agree that it is leaning alarmingly.’

MPs will hold a crisis meeting today to consider the options. Chaired by Mr McCarthy, the meeting will be shown reports detailing the risk posed by a radical government including the danger of the country sinking into the Thames mud, the breakout of total nuclear war, takeover by hostile aliens and Zombie attacks.

During their meeting the MPs are expected to discuss a proposal to suspend democracy and move in a military junta, or alternatively to abandon Big Ben and sell it to the Russians or Chinese. Another controversial proposal is to relocate all ConDems to a secret emergency base that is ready for use in the event of a Leninist takeover.

According to one expert, the government was definitely ‘sinking into the mud’. but Mr McCarthy countered this alarmism by saying that ‘ although there is a real danger of Big Ben being taken over by damn commie scum from the old eastern Bloc, well-run brainstorming sessions and focus groups can help generate a range of imaginative ideas to rid the world of this terror’.

New London airplane graveyard planned

An airplane graveyard in the Thames Estuary has been dreamt up by madcap London Mayor Boris Johnson.

The planned site, dubbed Boris Island after the loony Mayor, is close to the Isle of Grain and would entail building an artificial island made of poor people and public sector workers from nearby Medway towns. It would become Britain’s main international hub for dead aircraft, with the capacity to destroy up to 300,000 a day.

The site would have four separate areas each including a Starbucks mega-mall and viewing platforms so that twitchers can witness the carnage as lesser spotted dweeb birds fly straight into aircraft propellers. Planes would descend over the North Sea to maximise bird damage.

An added attraction is the nearby wreck of the WW2 American munitions ship the Richard Montgomery which is ‘hideously dangerous from an obstruction point of view let alone the estimated 9000 tons of explosives still on board’. According to a local expert. ‘If the bombs go off the blast would rival the force seen at Hiroshima and could be the largest explosion of all time - it's bye-bye to Southend. I for one want to be there when that happens!’

Surfers are more excited by the prospect of a Tsunami-style scenario last seen in the Canvey Island floods in 1953. Bob from the Loony Surfers Club said ‘this is caused by a Spring Tide and a simultaneous North Sea Storm Surge. The water gets higher and as the estuary narrows the water gets to a certain point and it just keeps going and going at incredible speed. Awesome!

Having ruled out an auxiliary graveyard at Heathrow after opposition from locals and environmental groups, the Government is said to be ‘coming round’ to the idea. However, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg is said to be opposed to the scheme, on the grounds that it’s not in Sheffield.

The scheme is expected to cost between £40billion and £70billion. This is a drop in the ocean compared to the £100 trillion that Boris has already paid top architect Lord Foster for his drawing of the site as it looks now with some bits stuck on.

Boris said yesterday: ‘The Government is increasingly interested in this idea. You can’t go on expecting Britain to compete economically with France and Germany and other European countries when we simply can’t supply the level of carnage that we now see in countries such as China and Brazil. We are now being left badly behind.’

But fanatical environmentalists such as the RSPCA said that Boris Island would sound the death knell for squillions of rare birds. ‘This is such a stupid plan. I can’t believe anyone is actually taking it seriously’ a spokesperson said.

In fact, it has now transpired that nobody IS taking the idea seriously except Baroness Sayeeda Varsi who proved yet again on Newsnight last night that she is the thickest person in parliament if not the world: ‘These plans need to be debated fully’ she said.

Downing Street said no decisions had been made but ministers wanted to explore all options to ensure that Boris was re-elected.