Dirty Foreign Bastards Blamed for Filthy Weather and Zombie Plague

Ravey Davey, has waded into the debate on the recent smog epidemic which has enveloped Britain over the past week.  The beleaguered Prime Minister claimed that the situation was caused by them dirty Africans sending us their filthy dust, no doubt riddled with Ebola as well. 

Initially fobbed off as innocuous mist and fog, weather experts  finally had to admit that the miasma covering large parts of the country was not caused by ‘naturally occurring weather’ but  was in fact a foul cloud of poison.  To take our minds off the risk of death from what historians would call ‘a pea souper’, meteorologists have been conspiring with politicians and coming up with pretty maps in bright colours to seemingly demonstrate how the earth’s air flow has created the problem.  

As it became apparent that the public were not buying into this charade, and in a bid to deflect blame from the money factories of London,  experts are now saying  that the mucky air is a ‘toxic mix’ of contaminated dust from the Sahara and pollutants sent over from France, designed specifically to annoy Nigel Farage.

Unfortunately however, the event has coincided with an Ebola outbreak in sub-Saharan Africa meaning that there is an added danger of the UK being overrun by Zombies before the weekend.

A scientist said: “this ‘perfect storm’ of unseasonal weather combined with tainted air from the African continent and effluence from the Euro zone has created ideal conditions for the Zombie plague.”

In a desperate attempt to mitigate widespread panic, Ravey Davey appeared on prime time TV saying: “I think it is only right for me to reassure hard working families up and down the country that my mates in the financial sector are in no way to blame for this situation.  What we are facing is a global problem, caused mainly by Africans in league with the French. And let’s not forget that the previous government created the conditions to allow this sort of thing to happen.  Anyone who says any different is just plain wrong.”

Whilst namby pamby Southerners have been whinging about their cars being encrusted by the muck falling out of the sky, the rest of the country has had to grin and bear it, being largely ignored by the mainstream media.  People as far north as the Outer Hebrides have reported sightings of hordes of the undead roaming the streets caked in red dust and screaming ‘unclean!’

It is estimated that by the time the adulterated air has been blown away northwards to blight the smug Nordic tribes, 80% of the population of Britain will have become infected.

Abbey customer service – a frustrating story

Whilst buying some stuff off Amazon.co.uk on Tuesday evening, I was not aware that my purchase were actually going through as 3 separate transactions until I had completed the check out procedure. An hour or so later, my personal mobile rang (which is unusual as I have a works mobile which is the one I use most often and only my partner uses the personal number when he knows I won’t be home). On answering the call, a robot told me that this was a security call from Abbey and I was very confused as to why they had used this number and not my landline for a start, and then the robot proceeded to ask a couple of security questions and I started to wonder if this was a scam call, but the questions didn’t result in me giving away incriminating personal information so I held on. Then it asked me if I could verify the last 5 transactions on my card. The first amount they reeled off meant nothing to me as (I found out later) it was a third party company using the Amazon marketplace and the amount included postage which I wasn’t expecting. I pressed a button to talk to an actual person, who turned out to be in Bangalore or somewhere and I told him I didn’t understand why I had got this call nor why it had come through to a mobile number I barely use. He said that as I was suspicious, I should hang up and ring the freephone number on the back of my bank card. I did this and was given a number of options by another robot, none of which matched my query. They gave me another number to ring and so I rang that and again was not given any options that matched my query and the robot told me that I had made an ‘invalid choice’.

I got my bank statement out and checked the number that was on this for telephone banking and eventually got through to another person. I tried to explain to him that I had been making quite a few purchases on my card in addition to that evening; after all, my partner’s birthday was coming up and I was going on holiday soon so I had been buying presents and clothes – what’s weird about that? He started to ask me to verify specific transactions some of which I could, but one or two I couldn’t, again because I didn’t recognize the actual company names or exact amounts where postage had been added. I asked him to hold on a minute while I checked on my computer. I went to my e-mail account and found that 2 transactions had been declined. I told him this and he just said yes that was the bank’s doing. I tried to explain these were small amounts and again tried to explain that I had been buying stuff. Also, most of the transactions were for small amounts. Because I couldn’t confirm exact details of one or two small transactions, he said my card had been stopped and I had to ring the fraud department. I rang them and they shut at 5 o’clock. What madness is this? Don’t they expect fraud outside normal office hours?

The next day I was going to go to the bank first thing but guess what? On Wednesdays they don’t open until 10.00 by which time I had meeting commitments at work so had to wait until lunchtime. It did get sorted out, but after half an hour of the lady in the bank making calls and I had to speak to them myself again and was still being asked the same stupid questions to verify relatively minor transactions. I understand the bank wants to prevent fraud but this procedure seems ludicrous to me when I could show that I was in possession of my card and had been buying stuff, as I say, mainly small transactions. Sort out your customer service, please, Abbey!