Tales from the Co-op vol 2

8.         Asparagus season

Today I popped into the local co-op for a top-up shop.  Spotting an offer on seasonal English asparagus, I put two bunches in my basket.  As I only had a few items I paid at the kiosk.  A very friendly and enthusiastic young woman served me (‘she must be new to the job’, I thought, ‘they’ll soon knock that out of her’). 

As the cashier scanned my items, she asked me “what do you eat asparagus with?” 

“I usually have it with salmon” I told her. 

“I’ve never had it.” She said and then asked: “Is it like lettuce?” 

I managed to stop myself laughing, “Well, it is a vegetable.” I replied.

I tried to explain its distinctive taste but in the end, just told her to try it, especially while the English variety was in season.

 
7.  Exotic Sweet Potatoes 

I have recently availed myself of the free home delivery service at my local co-op.  This entails a second server coming to the till to help with packing – ensuring that fresh, frozen and ‘ambient’ (I love that term) groceries are packed and stored separately until they are delivered at the appointed time. 

Last time, a young man came along to assist, just as the cashier was trying to scan my sweet potatoes.  Having no success, he keyed in the item code and said aloud “1497”. 

I exclaimed, with mock shock, “that’s a bit pricey!”  A woman behind me said “well, they are expensive.  “Yes. Exotic”, I replied. 

The young man who was packing obviously failed to grasp the irony and chipped in by way of explanation: “‘no, that’s the code, not the price.” 

Well, duh!

6. Iron

I had to make an impromptu visit to the co-op yesterday on an emergency mission.  Well, you may not consider this an emergency but our iron packed in and my other half is very conscientious when it comes to not looking crumpled. 

I therefore promised I would go and buy a replacement that very day if the co-op had them.  Indeed they did, and as I was paying for it the lady at the till said ‘I could do with one of them.’  Several quips immediately sprang to mind in response to this comment, such as ‘well, buy one then!’ or ‘yes, you could!’ but needless to say I remained silent.

5. Baby and Fish

Whilst waiting in the queue at the kiosk the other day, I was behind a woman with a small child and a baby.  She was holding the baby in the crook of one arm and using her free hand to root in her bag for her purse. 

To keep the baby quiet, she had let him hold a pack of sealed fish.  When it was her turn at the till, she tried to prise the packaged fish from the baby so it could be scanned (the fish, not the baby).  The baby started skriking the place down – I mean, really screaming!  With some coaxing and pulling, the baby eventually had to let go of the fish (well, it had to be literally snatched from its tiny grasp). 

After the shop assistant had scanned the item, it was promptly returned to the infant who immediately stopped crying.  Well, I remarked, that’s a new one on me.  I have seen babies emotionally attached to teddies, blankets, but fish!  It takes all sorts I guess. 

 

Addendum to Grant Coup Story

We would like to apologise for suggesting that Clive Owen would be the Deputy P.M. in the new actors' government.  We did of course mean Colin Firth.  Always getting them two mixed up!

Hugh Grant Set to Lead Actor’s Coup

Pundits are still reeling from the shock revelation on the weekends’ Andrew Marr show that Hugh Grant is to lead an actor’s coup and take over parliament before the end of the year.

Grant laid out his detailed plans which stem from his role as Director of the pressure group Pissed Off and will include himself as the Prime Minister as well as Clive Owen as the Deputy P.M. and Benedict Cumberbatch as the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Grant said: ‘We have been playing senior politicians for years on the screen and I think that qualifies me and my cronies to do at least as good a job as Cameron, Clegg & Co.  Let’s face it; we could hardly do any worse, could we?’

Far from seeming shocked on air, Marr actually started to call Grant ‘Mr. Prime Minister’, no doubt looking ahead and hoping that he won’t be for the chop if the coup is successful.

However, despite the apparent united front portrayed by Grant amongst his Equity chums, he defended himself against Stephen Mangan’s claims that he had been a better Tony Blair than himself. ‘He has obviously forgotten what a Tour de Force Love Actually actually was’ he gushed ‘There will be a role for Mangan in the new government but he’s got a lot to learn before he stops being a trainee.  He needs to watch some more of my Rom Coms and remind himself what he’s up against!’

When asked if there would be any women in the new parliament, Grant said he was holding auditions but hoped that two stalwarts of the political drama, Julie Walters and Lindsay Duncan would apply. ‘We need a bit of glamour really.  I would like to include my old mucker Emma Thompson but she really has very little experience of this sort of role. Mind you, she has done a few posh lady roles so that might stand her in good stead’.

Policies being suggested by Grant include banning all newspapers apart from The Independent, making watching lightweight Sunday night dramas compulsory and having at least one musical number during every parliamentary session.

Grant doing his famous impression of Tony Blair during a recent TV appearance