2020 - A Year of the Coronavirus By Numbers

0 Skype or zoom calls made

0 cinema visits

1 Covid-19 antibody test taken for the Imperial College research study. (None found)

1 failed attempt to ‘eat out to help out’

1 theatre visit (Count Arthur Strong - ‘is there anybody out there?’ Grand Theatre, Blackpool. Outrageously hilarious, from vicious attacks on Brian Cox to bizarre popstar impersonations)

1 live exhibition visit (The Forgotten Showman, The National Media Museum, Bradford)

1 virtual exhibition attendance by PJ as a participating artist (the Asemic Art Expo, Venice)

1.5 metres between town markings that say ‘2 metres’

2 lockdowns

2 birthday trips

2 restaurant dinners (Sapori Restaurant, Blackpool; L’Auberge Brasserie, Southport.  Both excellent)

3 café lunches

3 tiers of a clown in Number 10

5 pub visits

5 journeys out of town on public transport

6 lockdown dinner inventions (top picks: lentil & bulgur wheat gratin; Med veg gratin, shashlik-style kebabs)

7 traditional local events cancelled

9 national publications regularly including photos of closed or derelict buildings taken by PJ

£10 spent on a post-lockdown shopping splurge

14 breads and cakes baked (top picks: my hand-finished chocolate cake; PJ's cakey bread)

18 lockdown walks

20 places to buy take-away coffee, pizza and grilled cheese

21 books read (top picks: The Phoenix of Florence, Philip Kazan; This Thing of Darkness, Harry Thompson)

33 non-terrestrial TV series watched (top picks: Brassic; Britannia; Medici the Magnificent)

39 parts to Corvus Diaries written (and counting)

51 haigas written

104 bottles of wine drunk

185 films watched (top picks: 1917; 5 Greedy Bankers; A Personal History of David Copperfield)

300 day-trippers cluttering up the town at weekends

12,000 photos taken

15,276 questions answered by PJ as a ‘Shutterstock Expert’

16,141 words in my far-from completed novel!

Beating the System

As reported in ‘Memoirs of a Nutter,’ⁱ the end of the 2010s were marked by two major battles: one against the Department for Work and Pensions (DWP), which I won, and one against the woeful mental health system, which I didn’t.

I had developed a largely workable pattern of activities to accommodate my health problems and stay positive.  This pattern was severely disrupted by a DWP re-assessment for Employment Support Allowance (ESA).

The incredibly drawn-out process dominated the next 18 months.  It began with the completion of an assessment form in March 2018.  Having been given one month to submit the form, I then waited four months to hear back.  I was required to attend a face-to-face‘ fit for work’ (ATOS) assessment in August.

Because of my background and personality, I will always prepare for interview-type situations where possible.  However,  research to ascertain the type of questions I would be asked so I could have all the facts of my case ready, was of very little help putting me at a distinct disadvantage against the might of the system.  I did what I could to prepare mentally and physically, but with no clear idea of what to expect, I suffered heightened anxiety and woke with the tell-tale signs presaging yet another bout of debilitating illness on the day.

The appointment was to take place in Huddersfield, which brought back bad memories of the dreadful events at work that precipitated my current ill-health.  I would not have been able to attend at all if my partner had not accompanied me.  At least my request to have the assessment in the afternoon was accommodated.  We allowed plenty of time for the train journey, requiring a change at Brighouse, and  for lunch (from the unexpectedly good food court in the market) before braving the ring-road to find the building.  A defunct Job Centre Plus office that I recognised from attending meetings on a professional basis all those years ago, looked derelict.  My partner could not believe it was the right place.   But as we approached, a small sign stuck on the door confirmed it was.

The Assessment Centre occupied the ground floor of the otherwise abandoned Crown House.  A surly receptionist did not even smile or speak to us as she pointed to her left.  We entered a poky room, with a partitioned booth in one corner.  Slightly friendlier staff took my details and helped with travel expenses.   While waiting to be called, shutters clattered against the only window of the unwelcoming waiting room, answering to the wind which howled mercilessly on the other side of the concrete wall.  The sole WC looked like it was made for a prison – constructed of metal with an alarming locking system.  We chatted to another couple and I tried to make light of the situation, finding amusement in the decrepit conditions.  They remained glum.

The so-called ‘healthcare Professional’ (HCP) went through the standard questions and tests, and barely took her eyes off her computer screen to look at me, apart from when it came to conducting stupid physical tests such as how far I could bend down.  When she had come to the end of the questions, she made as if to conclude the interview.  I interrupted, reminding her she was meant to ask if I had anything to add.  I stressed that just because I could touch my toes, it did not mean I could stack shelves in Poundland.  Due to my fatigue, I would not be able to sustain work (as evidenced by my stint at voluntary work a few years back).

I was exhausted afterwards and wanted to be home as soon as possible.  Unfortunately, the train timetable meant an agonisingly long journey.  I was fit to collapse by the time I got back and went straight to bed.

A further agonising wait ensued until I knew what the HCP’s judgement would be.  At the end of September, the day before we went on  holiday, a letter from DWP declared me ‘fit for work’ and said my ESA would stop immediately.  This was a complete bombshell.  At worst, I thought they might say I could do some work and move me from the ’support group’ to the ‘work activity group’.  To have my income abruptly stopped, as of the day before, was inhuman!

Needless to say, my stress and anxiety levels went through the roof.  It beggared belief that this is how they dealt with people on sickness benefit due to mental health issues.  How do they think a shock like that is going to help?  It required enormous effort to read through the several pages of the missive.  Not until the last page were details provided about what to do if you disagreed with the decision.  Wading through the rest of it, I surmised that there was in fact a political reason for the decision: i.e., getting people of old-style ESA and putting them on Universal Credit.  Knowing about the problems with UC, I knew this would be bad for me and cause further stress.  I contacted Citizens Advice Calderdale (CAB) for advice who told me what to do and not to worry while I was away.  Easier said than done!

CAB informed me that although I had to jump through all the hoops, nothing would be resolved until the case went to appeal.  I followed their guidance and wrote to DWP requesting a ‘Mandatory Reconsideration’,  then realised I had no idea what address to write to.  With having to make further calls and then go to the post office to send the letter by registered post, I felt exhausted.

After the brief respite of a few days away, the battle ramped up.  As predicted, the ‘Mandatory Reconsideration’ was turned down.  Thus I progressed to the appeals stage.  More forms to fill in; bigger piles of paperwork to wade through; acquiring further evidence from my GP (which I had to pay for); several phone calls to CAB to try and make sense of the mumbo-jumbo; claiming benefit at the ‘appeals rate’ (which lasted 365 days precisely in line with the law, leaving me with no income at all while I was still awaiting the hearing).

It was only at this stage that I got the report from the HCP based on the assessment.  It was a complete pack of lies!  The report contained numerous false statements, inaccuracies and omissions.   By then I also had the criteria that the judgements about me had been made. I failed to see how she could award me 0 points for every single category!

I felt like giving up on numerous occasions.  If the HCP can just lie , and have those falsehoods supported by the Department, what chance did I have?  But I knew this was what they wanted, so I suffered the deterioration in my mental health (remarked upon by my GP), the constant headaches, the loss of time I had to devote to my positive activities, the reduced income necessitating tight budgeting and very little cash for anything other than essentials.  I was determined to not let them beat me down.

The tribunal hearing was eventually set for the start of December.  With a month to prepare, I contacted CAB again.  They told me it was short notice.  I  was rather taken aback since they had told me to contact them when I had the appeal hearing date.  Up until this point, Help from CAB was rather patchy, but proved invaluable during that month.  I had two appointments with a specialist adviser who was an absolute star.  She submitted a supporting statement and talked me through what to expect at the hearing.  I had ascertained by my own self-assessment that I did not score 15 points in any one category.  However, the overriding issue was that if I was forced into work, I would not be able to sustain it and my health would further deteriorate.  The Adviser concurred but said “don’t  worry about that.”  I trusted in her experience.

Again, my request to hold the hearing in the afternoon was honoured, as too was my choice of venue ( Leeds rather than Bradford as the office was closer to the train station).  My ever-supportive partner accompanied me.  Obviously finding the day stressful, I at least got a chance to say my piece and they also allowed my partner to add relevant comments.

The tribunal judge and medical specialist upheld my appeal.  They obviously agreed that the evidence we supplied proved that I could not work - although I did not fully understand the legalise they used under ‘exceptional circumstances’.

So, the previous 18 months had been a complete waste of time and resources.  I had been put under additional stress and duress for nothing! what a stupid system!

After winning at the tribunal hearing, I felt like I deserved to celebrate with a drink.  But of course I was exhausted by the whole ordeal,  and went straight home and spent the rest of the week ill with sinusitis.

The depression did not lift either.  The general election resulted in a victory for the Tories, condemning us to another 5 years of an uncaring government.  Thus  no end in sight for this ridiculous charade of making sick people prove they are sick, regardless of what the medical profession say.  And no end to the roll-out of UC in spite of a plethora of evidence that it is causing more suffering.

Something has to change!

Instead of the ridiculously long-winded process and highly suspect face-to-face assessments, DWP could accept medical evidence form the patient’s own GP.  After all, they are the ones who know the patient best.  They can provide details of how health conditions affect them, in as much detail as the bureaucrats desire.  This would be much less stressful, more cost-effective, immeasurably more efficient and not take over people’s lives.

Ref:
i  Memoirs of a Nutter: https://hepdenerose.blogspot.com/2020/02/part-40-jan-2020.html

Film Reviews 2019

Best Thriller - Arctic. Surprisingly watchable survival flick with Mads Mikkelsen and lots of snow and ice.  Apparently filmed in 19 days.  Amazing! (Netflix)

Best Sci-fi - I think We’re Alone Now. Thought-provoking, post-apocalyptic tale.  Peter Dinklage plays a man who thinks he’s alone, then meets a woman and her weird ‘parents’...  (Netflix)

Best Drama - The Red Violin.  Film 4 production from 1999 following a unique violin through time across the world. Weird but good. (Prime)

Best Cinematography - Roma. Worth watching for the arty black and white even though not much happens.  The first ever Netflix film to be up for an Oscar. (Netflix)

Best Fantasy - King Arthur, legend of the sword.  Enjoyable, funny and superb giant animals. The best Guy Ritchie effort for a long time albeit with inevitable echoes of Snatch and Robin Hood  (DVD)

Best Arty - p(Pi). Quirky low-budget film in grainy black & white. (DVD)

Best Foreign Noir - Skin of the Wolf.  Spanish tale of wolf hunter in the Pyrenees and his unfortunate wives. Very grim.  (Netflix)

Best Pirates - Pirates of the Caribbean, Salazar’s Revenge.  A real hoot!  Hardly stopped laughing.  (Netflix)

Best Animation - Space Pirate.  Very convincing artwork especially the hair. (Prime)

Best New Christmas film - The Knight Before Christmas. Light-hearted but funny romance (Netflix).

Best Bible-inspired - Paul, Apostle of Christ.  Sort of follow-up to Quo Vadis. Shame about the cheesy, holy ending. (Netflix)

Best Sequel - El Camino, A Breaking Bad Movie.  Following the exploits of Jesse Pinkman after the series end.  Entertaining and funny in places with hilarious dialogue: “I already apexted!” (Netflix)

Close second - Creed II.  Better than the previous Creed.  Littered with meta-refs to old Rocky. (Netflix)

Best Re-telling of History - Black Death.  Grim but watchable tale of the plague in 1349. Sean Bean managed to not die straight away which made a bit of a change. (DVD)

Close second  - The King.  Reworking of Henry V.  Variable performances but  improved as it went along, ( Netflix)

Best Musical Collaboration - Vox Lux.  Tale of a young popstar’s rise to fame.   Interesting musical collab between Scott Walker and Sia. (Netflix)

Best Biopic and charity shop find - Before Night Falls. Interesting tale of a writer exiled from Cuba.  Featuring an early starring role for Javier Bardem  and two bit-parts from a pre-pirate Johnny Depp. (DVD)

Best of the Rest

Big Films

Best Oscar winner - Green Book.  Italian hardnut drives poncy black pianist from NY to deep south.  Good if a bit schmaltzy in places. (Prime)

Best Scorsese - The Irishman.  Much-anticipated and lauded epic at an astonishing 3.5 hours.  DeNiro back to his best as aging gangster with a lot of humorous touches such as the pensioner jail when they’re all wearing beige and shopping for his own coffin. (Netflix)

Best single take - Baby Driver. Entertaining, some funny bits and clever filming of scenes in one take, to the soundtrack. (Netflix)

Thriller

Best political - Miss Sloane.  About machinations of lobbying in Washington.  Interesting plot, good cast and unexpected twist at the end. (Netflix)

Best British – Remainder. Started weird and became even weirder as it went along. (DVD)      

Oddest - London Fields.  An odd do.  Trying to do a Jim Thompson but trying too hard.  An uncredited Johnny Depp provides a superb example of his character acting as cockney geezer. (Netflix) 

Silliest - American Assassin. Watchable but some ridiculous scenes, especially the boat fight at the end. (Netflix)

Sci-fi

Best British - The White Chamber.  Imaginative Brit horror sci-fi in a post-Brexit world! 

Best American - The Frame. Mind-bending sci-fi.  The two main characters think the other is off the telly. (Prime)

Best Asian - The Wandering Earth. Imaginative Chinese film wherein earth goes on a 25,000 voyage to another solar system. (Netflix)

Best Romantic - Upside Down.  An homage to the French tradition.  Nice and gentle. (Prime)

Most unfathomable - In the Shadow of the Moon. Complicated time-traveling effort. I literally lost the plot. (Netflix)

War

Best WWII – Hurricane. Tale of Polish pilots fighting with RAF in WW2.  Pretty good and very funny in places. (Netflix)

Most overrated – Dunkirk.   Mainly boring but contains good actors and details such as the spitfire flying without fuel. (Prime)

Best WWI - The Ottoman Lieutenant.  Girly as expected but very nice scenery and a good portrayal of an interesting time in history at start of WWI.  (Netflix). 

Most educational - The Photographer of Mauthausen.  Very interesting and educational.  About mainly Spanish communist and anarchist prisoners in a German concentration camp.  Stayed largely true to the real story with faithful reproductions of the actual photos. (Netflix).

Foreign

Best locations - Salt & Fire.  Odd but sometimes funny Werner Herzog do, filmed in Bolivian salt flats. (DVD)

Close second  - Tracker.  Well-told tale of Boer who goes to NZ after the war, tracks a Maori for money, ends up bonding. (Prime)

Most prophetic - A Fortunate Man. Interesting if over-long Danish tale of an engineering genius who ends up a loser.  From a series of books written at turn of century so the idea of harnessing natural power quite prophetic.  (Netflix)

Comedy

Best - Goodbye Stalin.  Amusing East German tale of a woman who goes into a coma and doesn’t know the Berlin wall has fallen. (DVD)

Darkest - A Perfect Day.  Wryly comic tale set in war-torn Bosnia. (Netflix)

Daftest – Mordecai. Johnny Depp capers about as posh English art collector conscripted to help find a stolen painting.  Ludicrous but a fun bit of escapism. Hilarious slapstick scene at the start was disappointingly not repeated. (Prime)

Fantasy

Best foreign language – Iceman.  Imaginative tale based on the remains of a stone age man found in the Alps.  Dialogue in ancient language descended from Etruscan. (DVD)

Best low-budget - Viking Destiny.  Cheap NI production with Terence Stamp as excellent Odin. (Netflix)

Best film based on a video game - Assassin’s Creed. Surprisingly good.  Great cast and fun location-spotting.  (Netflix)

Most gruesome - Valhalla Rising. Grim tale of pagans and Christians; One Eye escapes slavery and travels to the holy land which turns out to be the new world . Wise kid a bit like Jesus. (Prime)

Best dragons – Warbirds. Madcap story of women pilots fighting dragons at end of WW2. (DVD. 

Daftest Jackie Chan - Bleeding Steel.  Very silly but shiny, colourful, entertaining and good ideas about what to do with a cheap smartwatch and the USB port on a phone! (Netflix)

Graphic Novels

Best Marvel - Captain Marvel.  Iffy start but improves. Lovely homage to Stan Lee. (DVD)

Best DC - Wonder Woman.  Entertaining telling of the backstory of Diana as an Amazonian princess getting involved in WWI. (Prime)

Close second - Justice League.  Enjoyable romp featuring Batman and Wonder Woman and invention of The Flash. (Prime)

Weirdest – Snowpiercer.  Last remaining people on earth trapped on a train that perpetually circles a globe  covered in ice.  Based on a French graphic novel which explained a lot. (Netflix)

Crime

Best acting - The Launderette.   Big Short-type film about insurance scams. Excellent double act from Banderas and Oldman and superb turn from Meryl Streep. (Netflix)

Best gangsters - Once Upon a Time in London.  Educational and entertaining story of gangs in 1930’s  London. (Netflix)

Most authentic – Highwaymen.  Old rangers catch Bonnie & Clyde. Inevitable age jokes and authentic details about the demise of the psycho duo. (Netflix)

Most stylish – Blackhat.  Classy effort by Michael Man about dastardly hackers (Netflix)

Best British - Dead in a Week., Young man asks a hitman to do him in. Very British wry humour. (Netflix) 

True Life and Biopic

Best British - Kinky Boots. Northants shoe factory saved by making boots for drag queens. (telly box)

Most macho - The 12^th Man. Incredible story of possibly the manliest man in history escaping Nazis in ‘Fortress Norway’ with help from Magic reindeer (Netflix)

Close second - Only The Brave; true tragic tale of wildfire fighters, good but very macho.  (Netflix)

Most ridiculous - Pain & Gain. Bodybuilders turn criminal.  Initially sceptical that it was a true story, subsequent research revealed actual events were even more ludicrous.  You just can’t make this stuff up! (TV)

Close second - American Made. Tom Cruise as a pilot cum drugs runner for Escobar then the CIA and White House. Crazy stuff!  (Netflix)

Most intelligent – Changeling.  Excellent offering from Clint Eastwood about a boy who goes missing, police corruption etc. (DVD)

Most inspirational - The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind.  Chiwetel Ejiofor writes, directs and stars in this lovely film about a Malawian boy who saves his village by working out how to use wind power.  (Netflix)

Best cinematography - At Eternity’s Gate.  Decent biopic about Van Gogh with Willem Defoe. (Netflix)

Funniest - The Happy Prince.  Rupert Everett piles on the pounds to play Oscar Wilde in his latter years. (Netflix)

Most underrated - The Red Sea Diving Resort. Israeli/US operatives get Jews out of Ethiopia.  Unfairly bad reviews.  (Netflix)

Best Kevin Spacey replacement - All the Money in the World. Decent telling of the Getty story focusing on kidnapping of Paul 3.  Spot the one scene they couldn’t re-shoot! (Netflix)

Films Watched 2018

Stand-out film of the year - Black Panther.  A very enjoyable Marvel escapade featuring ace sets and battle rhinos! (DVD on loan)

Cinema - Muse: Drones.  A one-night only, world-wide cine event.  Really cool effects especially the robots, with some AR added especially for the film thus apparently better than the live tour. 

Best found gem - Chemical wedding.  Alistair Crowley as told by the mad brain of Brian Dickinson.  Like a good old fashioned Hammer Horror, with ace music. What a hoot!  (DVD)

Best Sci-fi - What Happened to Monday.  Fantastic Noomi Rapace as septuplets in a future with a strict one-child policy… lovin’ the anti-EU vibe, especially the evil Glenn Close/ ‘Hilary Merkle’. (Netflix)

Sci-fi horror – Bird Box.  Very good story and apparently a massive hit.  Annoyingly, the strange phenomena making people commit suicide was never explained (Netflix)

Best shiny sci-fi- Valerian.  A touch of the Avatars with a big nod to Fifth Element.  Some ace comic turns especially by Rihanna (DVD on loan/Netflix)

Best comedy sci-fi - Safety Not Guaranteed.  An original idea, quirky and good script (TV)

Scariest idea - Bushwick.  Imaginative tale of confederates making a resurgence – like IS in Brooklyn – with the excellent Dave Bautista and (Netflix)

Silliest sci-fi - Geostorm.  Far-fetched disaster movie but didn’t top 2012, but then nothing ever will). DVD on loan)

Most disturbing factual drama - The Institute. Wherein said institute drugged and groomed posh young women into being slaves. And the place didn’t shut till 2009!  Shocking!  (Netflix)

Most educational true story - The Big Short.  Really good explanation of the financial crash (DVD)

Best biopic – Black Mass.  Johnny Depp as the notorious gangster James ‘Whitey’ Bulger.  Odd seeing him with no hair. (Netflix)

Funniest biopic - The Disaster Artist.  Hilarious story of Tommy Wiseau, an enigmatic eastern European (Polish?) American who made a terrible movie called The Room, which became a cult classic. (DVD)

Best action film based on a true story – Operation Mekong. War on drug lords in the Golden Triangle. (Netflix)

Best sequel - T2: Trainspotting. A jolly good jape, with a couple of LOL moments, although it posed a tautology at the end; or did it? (Netflix)

Best comedy cast - Death of Stalin.  Very funny and ace cast especially Jason Isaacs as the head of the Red Army. (DVD)

Best Horror - ‘Errementari: The Blacksmith and the Devil.  A very dark, Basque tale of devils and demons with great scenes of hell. (Netflix)

Best demonic possession -Deliver us from Evil.  A Cop pairs up with a priest to deal with demonic possession with excellent punk collage art tips.  Would make a good TV series (Netflix)

Most stylish horror - Neon Demon.  Uber stylish and ace music but a tad thin on plot. (DVD)

Most imaginative horror – Ghoul Interesting low-budget Brit flick with handy tips on dealing with depression although it did not end well.  (DVD)

Best Poe derivative - The Raven.  Sicko copies murders from Edgar Alan Poe stories with shambling detective trying to find out whodunit. (DVD) 

Creepiest horror - The Babadook. Genuinely creepy Australian horror and very clever that kept you guessing until the end.  (TV)

Best heist film - Den of Thieves.  Very complicated heist but good old fashioned cops n robbers in many ways. (Netflix)

Best Acting Dog- Bullet Head.  Billed as a heist film, but no heist (a theme at present, like space films with no actual space).  More about a fighting dog who was the real star despite a great minimal cast of John Malkovich, Adrien Brody, Rory Culkin and Antonio Banderas.  (Netflix)

Best war movie - The Man with the Iron Heart. This re-telling of Prague in WW2 explained the story much better than others with scenes of training Czech resistance fighters in Scotland. (Netflix)

Best WWI - Forbidden Land.  Very relaxing for a war movie. (Netflix)

Best prequel to WWI – Sarajevo. How the assassination of Franz Ferdinand was all a set-up to precipitate WWI by blaming the Serbs.  Confirmed my suspicions about how horrendously pointless it all was!  (Netflix)

Best girly war film - Suite Francaise.  In many ways, the usual tale of woman in Nazi occupied France accused of being a collaborator but with a twist – it was written by a Jewish woman, during WWII.  The unpublished script was only recently discovered by her ancestors. (Netflix)

Most depressing - The Secret Scripture. A bunch of Irish Catholic Nazis! (Netflix)

Best action/thriller - Act of Vengeance.  Turkish film about man accused of terrorism.  (Netflix)

Best spy thriller - Operation Finale.  Israeli spy network fetches Eichmann for trial in Jerusalem. A good; old fashioned espionage tale.  (Netflix)

Best Crime thriller– Message from the King.  A bit of a turnaround with South African guy mingling with lowlifes of LA.  So remind me; which is the 3^rd world country?  (Netflix)

Best Foreign Crime - Invisible Guardian. Decent Spanish drama about FBI-trained cop going back to her homeland to find a serial killer.  (Netflix)

Best Asian film - Steel Rain.  Well -balanced Korean film showing perspectives from both north and south.  (Netflix)

Best NZ film– Dead lands.  Definitely the best NZ film I’ve ever seen, and the first in their native language.  (Netflix)

Best European– Gun City.  Tale of corrupt cops vs anarchists in 1920’s Barcelona.  (Netflix)

Best Historical - Outlaw King.  This story of Robert the Bruce had great battle scenes.  Not sure why it received mediocre reviews - maybe people don’t get the history. (Netflix)

Best historical characters– Fall of an Empire (aka Katherine of Alexandria).  Loved the assorted women of Briton!  (Netflix)

Most Hilariously low budget– 1897.  Told the tale of the demise of Benin.  Looked like they’d raided their mum’s linen cupboard and dressing up box for costumes and the props were made of gold foil.  Very am dram!  (Netflix)

Best Literary classic - Ben-Hur.  This 2016 version got slated by the critics. No idea why (DVD)

Best Western – Hostiles.  Christian Bale as a grizzled old vet in this atmospheric western. (DVD)

Most amusing western - In A Valley of Violence.  Set in a really crap town with a total cast of 14 including Ethan Hawke as his usual character, Karen Gillan with a creditable Yankee accent and John Travolta as useless marshal.  (Netflix)

Best kids - Beauty and the Beast. The best Disney I’ve seen in ages (DVD)

Best animation - Kubo.  Adorably cute and funny with lovely animation.  (Netflix)

Best version of the Jungle Book – Mowgli.  Andy Serkis excels with his amazing motion-capture people animals!  (Netflix)

Most ridiculous Action - F&F8.  Predictably ludicrous, especially the nuclear sub, with a brilliant piss take of U571 “It’s all in Russian!”

Best TV film – Calvary.  Irish priest knows he’s doomed but carries on anyway. (TV)

Best cross-cultural - Dragon Blade.  Roman legion meet Chinese warriors on the silk road (Netflix)

Best road trip – Kodachrome. Ed Harris as a grumpy old git.  Nice photos.  (Netflix)

Best pirates - God of War. Chinese vs Japanese pirates inspired by Johnny Depp.  (Netflix)

Best Idris Elba - Netflix – Beasts of No Nation (pretty good; Idris relished his turn as a warlord)

Best re-make - The Foreigner.   Intelligent re-make of the Chjnaman with Jackie Chan beating the IRA at their own game.  A good turn by Pearce Brosnan as NOT Gerry Adams.  (Netflix)

Top Easter Film - Risen.  Roman follows Jesus when he comes back from the dead. (Netflix)

Top Christmas film -  The Man who invented Christmas.  Wherein Dickens writes a Christmas Carol in 6 weeks (Netflix)

Top Christmas re-run - Children of Men.  Count how many people say ‘Jesus Christ!’ (DVD)

Tales from the Co-op Vol 5

1. Siege Mentality

In the back end of Storm Emma, which had clashed with the ‘Beast from the East’, my partner and I braved the Siberian-like terrain in search of supplies.

Stepping gingerly across the tundra, we eventually reached the co-op.  I had expected it to be sparse and indeed, the shelves were virtually denuded of fresh milk, fruit and veg.  

 I was mentally prepared to be flexible though momentarily stumped by no tomatoes.

He said ‘you’ll have to make do with tinned."

 “You can’t use tinned tomatoes in salad” I replied.

“First world problems”.

Noticing a stampede towards the back cabinet, we saw there were half a dozen pizzas left.  A couple of women in front of us proceeded to scoop them up. 

“Take them all, why don’t you?” I said sarcastically. 

The older woman turned round and retorted “Yes!  It’s for a family party!” 

Exacerbated, I left them to it, making a rude gesture behind her back.  He laughed as I mimicked the woman in a high-pitched voice: “It’s for a family party!” adding: “Never mind people dying on the streets out there!”

He remarked that it was funny what people were rushing to get their hands on.  I agreed, but said it wasn’t surprising in this town. We had a bit of a lark, improvising a sketch about the quinoa running out.

Mind you, I had to laugh at our own so-called ‘emergency supplies’.  Although our trolley contained a selection of tins and long life products, it also included olives, sundried tomatoes and Mateus rosé. 

At the till, I observed “people aren’t very adaptable are they?”

“No.” he said “If things got really bad, I’d be eating their dogs while they were still hunting down the humus”.

Roll on Brexit!

2.    Bag for Life?

A co-op ‘Bag for Life’ about to expire, I asked for a replacement recently to be told they didn’t do them anymore.  Instead, I was given a compostable one.  Also costing 10p, I remarked they ought to be free.

“You should be glad we’re not doing plastic”

“Yes, but they’re recyclable, not single-use. And why do we have to pay for bags that aren’t plastic anyway?”

What a swizz!

3.    How Very Dare You!

Today, a colleague was updating Kiosk Man on his partner’s pregnancy, saying she wanted a ‘gender reveal’ party.

Kiosk Man raised his eyebrows.

I butted in: “But what if it doesn’t want to be that gender? - ‘How very dare you assume my gender before I’m even born?’ it would be saying.”

“Good point,” agreed Kiosk Man.

An eavesdropping woman added: “Nothing surprises me anymore.”

4.    Let Them Drink Boke

With rising inflation, basic food shortages and ‘supply chain issues’, grocery shopping can be stressful.

Being on a low income, keeping within a strict food budget is tricky, time-consuming and stressful.  I mentally calculate the total cost of my shop as I go round the store and try to buy products that offer the best value.  For instance, there are several brands of tinned tomatoes ranging from 50p to almost £1 a can.  The cheapest option is in a different place so I am used to a certain amount of to-ing and fro-ing to keep costs down.

Because of the shortages and supply issues (nowt to do with Brexit!), it is routine to not find everything I need, even basic fruit and veg.  Up until recently, if I wanted to buy bananas for example, and there were none in the expected place, I would think ‘okay, there are no bananas’. 

However, presumably in an attempt to disguise shortages, the notorious co-op practice of forever moving stock around, has reached new levels.  So now, if I can’t see bananas on the usual shelf, I have to think: ‘are there no bananas or have they been moved?’  On my visit today, I ended up going round the store three times and still didn’t find everything I needed.

Everybody knows about shortages and ‘supply chain issues’.  Why won’t they just leave the gaps rather than constantly shifting stuff and compounding the already stressful shopping palaver?

On top of all that, a large proportion of shelving is currently occupied by beer and coca cola.  Are they hoping customers will forget what they came in for and drink boke instead?

Films Watched 2017

Overall Best

Film of the year

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 – wonderful!  Well worth seeing on the big screen.  Vol. 1 is also still awesome.

Close second and third

War for the Planet of the Apes – although the amount of actual warfare is a tad disappointing.  Welcome re-run at Christmas with all that snow and dead coke trucks.

Blade Runner 2049 – just forget it’s Ryan Gosling!

Christmas cracker

Children of Men – the traditional annual viewing.   Now fully appreciating its prophetically post-Brexit genius,

Brit flicks

Best crime

We Still Kill the Old Way – good idea, ace cast of aged gangstas (Ian Ogilvy excellent) and fab script.

We Still Steal the Old Way – welcome sequel.  It also makes sense to see the two films as a set.

Best Welsh offerings

Devil’s Bridge - Essex boys get terrorised by a Welsh Nationalist.  What’s not to like?

Crow - interesting tale of crow people vs English knob.  You can guess the rest…

Worst Brit

Ghost Ship – very cheap.  Extensive use of Charlestown harbour & museum but severe lack of the actual haunted ship.

sci-fi/fantasy

Best

The Great Wall - ace monsters and brill colours

Funniest

Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same -filmed in b/w, cheap effects include backwards alien talking, and a tin foil spacecraft.  Hilarious!

Best dialogue

Independence Day: Resurgence – (“Where’s the UFO?”) “Over the Atlantic.” “Which part?” “All of it.” 

Best use of wide angle

UFO - strange, cheap Brit flick made in Derby. Notable also for Jean Claude Van Dam making a surprise appearance.

Most interesting ideas

Arrival - not the best alien invasion film but interesting non-linear concepts of time and use of asemic writing.

Most fun

Suicide Squad – an ace Harley Quinn. 

Comedy

Best

War Dogs - amusing tale based on a true story of two guys gun running in Iraq.

Weirdest

Swiss Army Man - Harry Potter as a dead dude with magic powers – very odd!

Darkest turn

The President – set in fictional Eurasian country, starts out very funny but takes a very dark turn.

War films

Best WW2

My Way – amazing true story of Korean guy who ends up in Japanese, Russian and German army in WW2

Funniest

Railroad Tigers - a band of Chinese heroes fool the idiot Japanese.

Most Avant-garde

The Keep – very odd, early Michael Mann effort featuring Nazis, a demon, and music by Tangerine Dream.

Saddest

Across the Water - true tale of Jews escaping Nazi Denmark; made me cry.

Best historical war

Shaolin - Hong Kong/Chinese collab set in the warlord era circa 1912-28.  Features the amusing Jackie Chan as an old cook. 

Best modern war

The Siege of Jadotville - true story of UN Irish soldiers in the Congo. 

Hyena Road - Canadian soldiers in Afghanistan enjoy nice cinematography and good dialogue. 

Westerns

Best

The Free State of Jones – excellent.

Best cinematography

Jane Got a Gun – not the best western but ace cinematography.

Most relaxing

The Keeping Room - one of them relaxing violent Westerns.

Best oldie

Django Kill –original actual spaghetti western; an odd do with strange music.   Where Tarantino gets his ideas from.

Most erratic snow

The Hateful 8 - better than Tarantino’s last effort but erratic snow got on the nerves and comparisons with old spaghetti westerns now inevitable.

Best Mythical/biblical

Best

Chi-Raq -a ‘Spike Lee Joint’.  Lysistrata transported to Chicago.

Daftest

Gods of Egypt - utterly daft but very enjoyable with some awesome sets and CGI.

So bad it’s good

Land of the Pharaohs – so bad it was hilarious! 

Weirdest

Left Behind - weird premise of The Rapture with Nic Cage as heroic pilot.

Historical

Best

The Physician – really good tale of a young apprentice who goes to study medicine in the middle east in the middle ages.

Best epic

For Greater Glory (Cristiada) - Catholic repression in 1920’s Mexico.  Very educational.

Most over-long

Silence - good but very long Scorsese effort.  I joked it was like a follow up to The Last temptation. 

Grimmest

Mudbound - grim tale of 2 families in Mississippi.

Best pre-pirate Depp

The Man Who Cried -  Johnny Depp as a gypsy pretending to ride a horse in Nazi Paris.

Crime/ heist flick

Best

Hatton Garden the Heist -  gently comic tale of how the old geezers did the job.  (Not the big release).

Shiniest

Now You See Me 2 - slow start but the pace picked up with some good tricks at the end; prompted me to suggest that Daniel Radcliffe (aka Harry Potter) should learn to do magic for real.

Most amusing caper

The Heist –hapless men try to steal a painting.

Grimmest

Freight - violent tale of people trafficking in Leeds.

Best script

Live by Night - good story by and starring Ben Affleck.  Script was great and so are the sets.

Worst wig

Southern Fury - violent mobster action with Nic Cage in bad wig.

Action/thriller

Best

XXX: Return of Zander Cage - ridiculous but fun

Best Statham

Mechanic Resurrection - Statham in classic daft but a laugh mode.

Best political thriller

The Company You keep – Robert Redford looking good for his age.

Worst

Marauders - good concept of robbery by AI but badly executed – rubbish in fact; possibly Bruce Willis’ worst film ever.

World cinema

Best

Dhoom 3 – most excellent; possibly best of the trio even if they did nick the plot from The Prestige.

Most original

White God - mongrel dogs get revenge in Budapest.  Some great scenes and handy tips for training dogs to fight.

Best Russian

Admiral – story of the guy who effectively ran the place while the soviet regime settled down; it was interesting to see the change in perspective now they’re not commies any more.

Best Antipodean

Hunt for the Wilderpeople – lovely, gentle NZ comedy set in the 1980’s.

Best Japanese anime

Miss Hokusai -cartoon about a famous artist and his daughter.

Horror

Best

Underworld Blood Wars – contains ace wafty witchy white vampires.

Resident Evil: the final chapter - tied up all the ends nicely.

Zombie

Best

The Girl With All the Gifts – Great, if a bit slow in places.  An excellent turn by Glenn Close as evil old major.

Best low-budget

Plan Z –low budget Brit flick set in Scotland, by and starring one man.

Funniest

Sleeping Beauty - dark re-telling of the fairy-tale, set in Bulgaria with monsters and zombies.

Real-life/biopic

Best

Ip Man - true tale of the man who inspired Bruce Lee

Most old men

Deepwater Horizon – we couldn’t decide if it was an action film or trying to have a social conscience; maybe due to all them big actors now looking about 90.

Funniest

Gold – amusing tale of an idiot prospector.

Best kids

BFG – good old-fashioned kids’ movie

Pete’s Dragon