Tales from the Co-op Vol 5

1. Siege Mentality

In the back end of Storm Emma, which had clashed with the ‘Beast from the East’, my partner and I braved the Siberian-like terrain in search of supplies.

Stepping gingerly across the tundra, we eventually reached the co-op.  I had expected it to be sparse and indeed, the shelves were virtually denuded of fresh milk, fruit and veg.  

 I was mentally prepared to be flexible though momentarily stumped by no tomatoes.

He said ‘you’ll have to make do with tinned."

 “You can’t use tinned tomatoes in salad” I replied.

“First world problems”.

Noticing a stampede towards the back cabinet, we saw there were half a dozen pizzas left.  A couple of women in front of us proceeded to scoop them up. 

“Take them all, why don’t you?” I said sarcastically. 

The older woman turned round and retorted “Yes!  It’s for a family party!” 

Exacerbated, I left them to it, making a rude gesture behind her back.  He laughed as I mimicked the woman in a high-pitched voice: “It’s for a family party!” adding: “Never mind people dying on the streets out there!”

He remarked that it was funny what people were rushing to get their hands on.  I agreed, but said it wasn’t surprising in this town. We had a bit of a lark, improvising a sketch about the quinoa running out.

Mind you, I had to laugh at our own so-called ‘emergency supplies’.  Although our trolley contained a selection of tins and long life products, it also included olives, sundried tomatoes and Mateus rosé. 

At the till, I observed “people aren’t very adaptable are they?”

“No.” he said “If things got really bad, I’d be eating their dogs while they were still hunting down the humus”.

Roll on Brexit!

2.    Bag for Life?

A co-op ‘Bag for Life’ about to expire, I asked for a replacement recently to be told they didn’t do them anymore.  Instead, I was given a compostable one.  Also costing 10p, I remarked they ought to be free.

“You should be glad we’re not doing plastic”

“Yes, but they’re recyclable, not single-use. And why do we have to pay for bags that aren’t plastic anyway?”

What a swizz!

3.    How Very Dare You!

Today, a colleague was updating Kiosk Man on his partner’s pregnancy, saying she wanted a ‘gender reveal’ party.

Kiosk Man raised his eyebrows.

I butted in: “But what if it doesn’t want to be that gender? - ‘How very dare you assume my gender before I’m even born?’ it would be saying.”

“Good point,” agreed Kiosk Man.

An eavesdropping woman added: “Nothing surprises me anymore.”

4.    Let Them Drink Boke

With rising inflation, basic food shortages and ‘supply chain issues’, grocery shopping can be stressful.

Being on a low income, keeping within a strict food budget is tricky, time-consuming and stressful.  I mentally calculate the total cost of my shop as I go round the store and try to buy products that offer the best value.  For instance, there are several brands of tinned tomatoes ranging from 50p to almost £1 a can.  The cheapest option is in a different place so I am used to a certain amount of to-ing and fro-ing to keep costs down.

Because of the shortages and supply issues (nowt to do with Brexit!), it is routine to not find everything I need, even basic fruit and veg.  Up until recently, if I wanted to buy bananas for example, and there were none in the expected place, I would think ‘okay, there are no bananas’. 

However, presumably in an attempt to disguise shortages, the notorious co-op practice of forever moving stock around, has reached new levels.  So now, if I can’t see bananas on the usual shelf, I have to think: ‘are there no bananas or have they been moved?’  On my visit today, I ended up going round the store three times and still didn’t find everything I needed.

Everybody knows about shortages and ‘supply chain issues’.  Why won’t they just leave the gaps rather than constantly shifting stuff and compounding the already stressful shopping palaver?

On top of all that, a large proportion of shelving is currently occupied by beer and coca cola.  Are they hoping customers will forget what they came in for and drink boke instead?