Films Watched 2018

Stand-out film of the year - Black Panther.  A very enjoyable Marvel escapade featuring ace sets and battle rhinos! (DVD on loan)

Cinema - Muse: Drones.  A one-night only, world-wide cine event.  Really cool effects especially the robots, with some AR added especially for the film thus apparently better than the live tour. 

Best found gem - Chemical wedding.  Alistair Crowley as told by the mad brain of Brian Dickinson.  Like a good old fashioned Hammer Horror, with ace music. What a hoot!  (DVD)

Best Sci-fi - What Happened to Monday.  Fantastic Noomi Rapace as septuplets in a future with a strict one-child policy… lovin’ the anti-EU vibe, especially the evil Glenn Close/ ‘Hilary Merkle’. (Netflix)

Sci-fi horror – Bird Box.  Very good story and apparently a massive hit.  Annoyingly, the strange phenomena making people commit suicide was never explained (Netflix)

Best shiny sci-fi- Valerian.  A touch of the Avatars with a big nod to Fifth Element.  Some ace comic turns especially by Rihanna (DVD on loan/Netflix)

Best comedy sci-fi - Safety Not Guaranteed.  An original idea, quirky and good script (TV)

Scariest idea - Bushwick.  Imaginative tale of confederates making a resurgence – like IS in Brooklyn – with the excellent Dave Bautista and (Netflix)

Silliest sci-fi - Geostorm.  Far-fetched disaster movie but didn’t top 2012, but then nothing ever will). DVD on loan)

Most disturbing factual drama - The Institute. Wherein said institute drugged and groomed posh young women into being slaves. And the place didn’t shut till 2009!  Shocking!  (Netflix)

Most educational true story - The Big Short.  Really good explanation of the financial crash (DVD)

Best biopic – Black Mass.  Johnny Depp as the notorious gangster James ‘Whitey’ Bulger.  Odd seeing him with no hair. (Netflix)

Funniest biopic - The Disaster Artist.  Hilarious story of Tommy Wiseau, an enigmatic eastern European (Polish?) American who made a terrible movie called The Room, which became a cult classic. (DVD)

Best action film based on a true story – Operation Mekong. War on drug lords in the Golden Triangle. (Netflix)

Best sequel - T2: Trainspotting. A jolly good jape, with a couple of LOL moments, although it posed a tautology at the end; or did it? (Netflix)

Best comedy cast - Death of Stalin.  Very funny and ace cast especially Jason Isaacs as the head of the Red Army. (DVD)

Best Horror - ‘Errementari: The Blacksmith and the Devil.  A very dark, Basque tale of devils and demons with great scenes of hell. (Netflix)

Best demonic possession -Deliver us from Evil.  A Cop pairs up with a priest to deal with demonic possession with excellent punk collage art tips.  Would make a good TV series (Netflix)

Most stylish horror - Neon Demon.  Uber stylish and ace music but a tad thin on plot. (DVD)

Most imaginative horror – Ghoul Interesting low-budget Brit flick with handy tips on dealing with depression although it did not end well.  (DVD)

Best Poe derivative - The Raven.  Sicko copies murders from Edgar Alan Poe stories with shambling detective trying to find out whodunit. (DVD) 

Creepiest horror - The Babadook. Genuinely creepy Australian horror and very clever that kept you guessing until the end.  (TV)

Best heist film - Den of Thieves.  Very complicated heist but good old fashioned cops n robbers in many ways. (Netflix)

Best Acting Dog- Bullet Head.  Billed as a heist film, but no heist (a theme at present, like space films with no actual space).  More about a fighting dog who was the real star despite a great minimal cast of John Malkovich, Adrien Brody, Rory Culkin and Antonio Banderas.  (Netflix)

Best war movie - The Man with the Iron Heart. This re-telling of Prague in WW2 explained the story much better than others with scenes of training Czech resistance fighters in Scotland. (Netflix)

Best WWI - Forbidden Land.  Very relaxing for a war movie. (Netflix)

Best prequel to WWI – Sarajevo. How the assassination of Franz Ferdinand was all a set-up to precipitate WWI by blaming the Serbs.  Confirmed my suspicions about how horrendously pointless it all was!  (Netflix)

Best girly war film - Suite Francaise.  In many ways, the usual tale of woman in Nazi occupied France accused of being a collaborator but with a twist – it was written by a Jewish woman, during WWII.  The unpublished script was only recently discovered by her ancestors. (Netflix)

Most depressing - The Secret Scripture. A bunch of Irish Catholic Nazis! (Netflix)

Best action/thriller - Act of Vengeance.  Turkish film about man accused of terrorism.  (Netflix)

Best spy thriller - Operation Finale.  Israeli spy network fetches Eichmann for trial in Jerusalem. A good; old fashioned espionage tale.  (Netflix)

Best Crime thriller– Message from the King.  A bit of a turnaround with South African guy mingling with lowlifes of LA.  So remind me; which is the 3^rd world country?  (Netflix)

Best Foreign Crime - Invisible Guardian. Decent Spanish drama about FBI-trained cop going back to her homeland to find a serial killer.  (Netflix)

Best Asian film - Steel Rain.  Well -balanced Korean film showing perspectives from both north and south.  (Netflix)

Best NZ film– Dead lands.  Definitely the best NZ film I’ve ever seen, and the first in their native language.  (Netflix)

Best European– Gun City.  Tale of corrupt cops vs anarchists in 1920’s Barcelona.  (Netflix)

Best Historical - Outlaw King.  This story of Robert the Bruce had great battle scenes.  Not sure why it received mediocre reviews - maybe people don’t get the history. (Netflix)

Best historical characters– Fall of an Empire (aka Katherine of Alexandria).  Loved the assorted women of Briton!  (Netflix)

Most Hilariously low budget– 1897.  Told the tale of the demise of Benin.  Looked like they’d raided their mum’s linen cupboard and dressing up box for costumes and the props were made of gold foil.  Very am dram!  (Netflix)

Best Literary classic - Ben-Hur.  This 2016 version got slated by the critics. No idea why (DVD)

Best Western – Hostiles.  Christian Bale as a grizzled old vet in this atmospheric western. (DVD)

Most amusing western - In A Valley of Violence.  Set in a really crap town with a total cast of 14 including Ethan Hawke as his usual character, Karen Gillan with a creditable Yankee accent and John Travolta as useless marshal.  (Netflix)

Best kids - Beauty and the Beast. The best Disney I’ve seen in ages (DVD)

Best animation - Kubo.  Adorably cute and funny with lovely animation.  (Netflix)

Best version of the Jungle Book – Mowgli.  Andy Serkis excels with his amazing motion-capture people animals!  (Netflix)

Most ridiculous Action - F&F8.  Predictably ludicrous, especially the nuclear sub, with a brilliant piss take of U571 “It’s all in Russian!”

Best TV film – Calvary.  Irish priest knows he’s doomed but carries on anyway. (TV)

Best cross-cultural - Dragon Blade.  Roman legion meet Chinese warriors on the silk road (Netflix)

Best road trip – Kodachrome. Ed Harris as a grumpy old git.  Nice photos.  (Netflix)

Best pirates - God of War. Chinese vs Japanese pirates inspired by Johnny Depp.  (Netflix)

Best Idris Elba - Netflix – Beasts of No Nation (pretty good; Idris relished his turn as a warlord)

Best re-make - The Foreigner.   Intelligent re-make of the Chjnaman with Jackie Chan beating the IRA at their own game.  A good turn by Pearce Brosnan as NOT Gerry Adams.  (Netflix)

Top Easter Film - Risen.  Roman follows Jesus when he comes back from the dead. (Netflix)

Top Christmas film -  The Man who invented Christmas.  Wherein Dickens writes a Christmas Carol in 6 weeks (Netflix)

Top Christmas re-run - Children of Men.  Count how many people say ‘Jesus Christ!’ (DVD)

Tales from the Co-op Vol 5

1. Siege Mentality

In the back end of Storm Emma, which had clashed with the ‘Beast from the East’, my partner and I braved the Siberian-like terrain in search of supplies.

Stepping gingerly across the tundra, we eventually reached the co-op.  I had expected it to be sparse and indeed, the shelves were virtually denuded of fresh milk, fruit and veg.  

 I was mentally prepared to be flexible though momentarily stumped by no tomatoes.

He said ‘you’ll have to make do with tinned."

 “You can’t use tinned tomatoes in salad” I replied.

“First world problems”.

Noticing a stampede towards the back cabinet, we saw there were half a dozen pizzas left.  A couple of women in front of us proceeded to scoop them up. 

“Take them all, why don’t you?” I said sarcastically. 

The older woman turned round and retorted “Yes!  It’s for a family party!” 

Exacerbated, I left them to it, making a rude gesture behind her back.  He laughed as I mimicked the woman in a high-pitched voice: “It’s for a family party!” adding: “Never mind people dying on the streets out there!”

He remarked that it was funny what people were rushing to get their hands on.  I agreed, but said it wasn’t surprising in this town. We had a bit of a lark, improvising a sketch about the quinoa running out.

Mind you, I had to laugh at our own so-called ‘emergency supplies’.  Although our trolley contained a selection of tins and long life products, it also included olives, sundried tomatoes and Mateus rosé. 

At the till, I observed “people aren’t very adaptable are they?”

“No.” he said “If things got really bad, I’d be eating their dogs while they were still hunting down the humus”.

Roll on Brexit!

2.    Bag for Life?

A co-op ‘Bag for Life’ about to expire, I asked for a replacement recently to be told they didn’t do them anymore.  Instead, I was given a compostable one.  Also costing 10p, I remarked they ought to be free.

“You should be glad we’re not doing plastic”

“Yes, but they’re recyclable, not single-use. And why do we have to pay for bags that aren’t plastic anyway?”

What a swizz!

3.    How Very Dare You!

Today, a colleague was updating Kiosk Man on his partner’s pregnancy, saying she wanted a ‘gender reveal’ party.

Kiosk Man raised his eyebrows.

I butted in: “But what if it doesn’t want to be that gender? - ‘How very dare you assume my gender before I’m even born?’ it would be saying.”

“Good point,” agreed Kiosk Man.

An eavesdropping woman added: “Nothing surprises me anymore.”

4.    Let Them Drink Boke

With rising inflation, basic food shortages and ‘supply chain issues’, grocery shopping can be stressful.

Being on a low income, keeping within a strict food budget is tricky, time-consuming and stressful.  I mentally calculate the total cost of my shop as I go round the store and try to buy products that offer the best value.  For instance, there are several brands of tinned tomatoes ranging from 50p to almost £1 a can.  The cheapest option is in a different place so I am used to a certain amount of to-ing and fro-ing to keep costs down.

Because of the shortages and supply issues (nowt to do with Brexit!), it is routine to not find everything I need, even basic fruit and veg.  Up until recently, if I wanted to buy bananas for example, and there were none in the expected place, I would think ‘okay, there are no bananas’. 

However, presumably in an attempt to disguise shortages, the notorious co-op practice of forever moving stock around, has reached new levels.  So now, if I can’t see bananas on the usual shelf, I have to think: ‘are there no bananas or have they been moved?’  On my visit today, I ended up going round the store three times and still didn’t find everything I needed.

Everybody knows about shortages and ‘supply chain issues’.  Why won’t they just leave the gaps rather than constantly shifting stuff and compounding the already stressful shopping palaver?

On top of all that, a large proportion of shelving is currently occupied by beer and coca cola.  Are they hoping customers will forget what they came in for and drink boke instead?

Films Watched 2017

Overall Best

Film of the year

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 – wonderful!  Well worth seeing on the big screen.  Vol. 1 is also still awesome.

Close second and third

War for the Planet of the Apes – although the amount of actual warfare is a tad disappointing.  Welcome re-run at Christmas with all that snow and dead coke trucks.

Blade Runner 2049 – just forget it’s Ryan Gosling!

Christmas cracker

Children of Men – the traditional annual viewing.   Now fully appreciating its prophetically post-Brexit genius,

Brit flicks

Best crime

We Still Kill the Old Way – good idea, ace cast of aged gangstas (Ian Ogilvy excellent) and fab script.

We Still Steal the Old Way – welcome sequel.  It also makes sense to see the two films as a set.

Best Welsh offerings

Devil’s Bridge - Essex boys get terrorised by a Welsh Nationalist.  What’s not to like?

Crow - interesting tale of crow people vs English knob.  You can guess the rest…

Worst Brit

Ghost Ship – very cheap.  Extensive use of Charlestown harbour & museum but severe lack of the actual haunted ship.

sci-fi/fantasy

Best

The Great Wall - ace monsters and brill colours

Funniest

Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same -filmed in b/w, cheap effects include backwards alien talking, and a tin foil spacecraft.  Hilarious!

Best dialogue

Independence Day: Resurgence – (“Where’s the UFO?”) “Over the Atlantic.” “Which part?” “All of it.” 

Best use of wide angle

UFO - strange, cheap Brit flick made in Derby. Notable also for Jean Claude Van Dam making a surprise appearance.

Most interesting ideas

Arrival - not the best alien invasion film but interesting non-linear concepts of time and use of asemic writing.

Most fun

Suicide Squad – an ace Harley Quinn. 

Comedy

Best

War Dogs - amusing tale based on a true story of two guys gun running in Iraq.

Weirdest

Swiss Army Man - Harry Potter as a dead dude with magic powers – very odd!

Darkest turn

The President – set in fictional Eurasian country, starts out very funny but takes a very dark turn.

War films

Best WW2

My Way – amazing true story of Korean guy who ends up in Japanese, Russian and German army in WW2

Funniest

Railroad Tigers - a band of Chinese heroes fool the idiot Japanese.

Most Avant-garde

The Keep – very odd, early Michael Mann effort featuring Nazis, a demon, and music by Tangerine Dream.

Saddest

Across the Water - true tale of Jews escaping Nazi Denmark; made me cry.

Best historical war

Shaolin - Hong Kong/Chinese collab set in the warlord era circa 1912-28.  Features the amusing Jackie Chan as an old cook. 

Best modern war

The Siege of Jadotville - true story of UN Irish soldiers in the Congo. 

Hyena Road - Canadian soldiers in Afghanistan enjoy nice cinematography and good dialogue. 

Westerns

Best

The Free State of Jones – excellent.

Best cinematography

Jane Got a Gun – not the best western but ace cinematography.

Most relaxing

The Keeping Room - one of them relaxing violent Westerns.

Best oldie

Django Kill –original actual spaghetti western; an odd do with strange music.   Where Tarantino gets his ideas from.

Most erratic snow

The Hateful 8 - better than Tarantino’s last effort but erratic snow got on the nerves and comparisons with old spaghetti westerns now inevitable.

Best Mythical/biblical

Best

Chi-Raq -a ‘Spike Lee Joint’.  Lysistrata transported to Chicago.

Daftest

Gods of Egypt - utterly daft but very enjoyable with some awesome sets and CGI.

So bad it’s good

Land of the Pharaohs – so bad it was hilarious! 

Weirdest

Left Behind - weird premise of The Rapture with Nic Cage as heroic pilot.

Historical

Best

The Physician – really good tale of a young apprentice who goes to study medicine in the middle east in the middle ages.

Best epic

For Greater Glory (Cristiada) - Catholic repression in 1920’s Mexico.  Very educational.

Most over-long

Silence - good but very long Scorsese effort.  I joked it was like a follow up to The Last temptation. 

Grimmest

Mudbound - grim tale of 2 families in Mississippi.

Best pre-pirate Depp

The Man Who Cried -  Johnny Depp as a gypsy pretending to ride a horse in Nazi Paris.

Crime/ heist flick

Best

Hatton Garden the Heist -  gently comic tale of how the old geezers did the job.  (Not the big release).

Shiniest

Now You See Me 2 - slow start but the pace picked up with some good tricks at the end; prompted me to suggest that Daniel Radcliffe (aka Harry Potter) should learn to do magic for real.

Most amusing caper

The Heist –hapless men try to steal a painting.

Grimmest

Freight - violent tale of people trafficking in Leeds.

Best script

Live by Night - good story by and starring Ben Affleck.  Script was great and so are the sets.

Worst wig

Southern Fury - violent mobster action with Nic Cage in bad wig.

Action/thriller

Best

XXX: Return of Zander Cage - ridiculous but fun

Best Statham

Mechanic Resurrection - Statham in classic daft but a laugh mode.

Best political thriller

The Company You keep – Robert Redford looking good for his age.

Worst

Marauders - good concept of robbery by AI but badly executed – rubbish in fact; possibly Bruce Willis’ worst film ever.

World cinema

Best

Dhoom 3 – most excellent; possibly best of the trio even if they did nick the plot from The Prestige.

Most original

White God - mongrel dogs get revenge in Budapest.  Some great scenes and handy tips for training dogs to fight.

Best Russian

Admiral – story of the guy who effectively ran the place while the soviet regime settled down; it was interesting to see the change in perspective now they’re not commies any more.

Best Antipodean

Hunt for the Wilderpeople – lovely, gentle NZ comedy set in the 1980’s.

Best Japanese anime

Miss Hokusai -cartoon about a famous artist and his daughter.

Horror

Best

Underworld Blood Wars – contains ace wafty witchy white vampires.

Resident Evil: the final chapter - tied up all the ends nicely.

Zombie

Best

The Girl With All the Gifts – Great, if a bit slow in places.  An excellent turn by Glenn Close as evil old major.

Best low-budget

Plan Z –low budget Brit flick set in Scotland, by and starring one man.

Funniest

Sleeping Beauty - dark re-telling of the fairy-tale, set in Bulgaria with monsters and zombies.

Real-life/biopic

Best

Ip Man - true tale of the man who inspired Bruce Lee

Most old men

Deepwater Horizon – we couldn’t decide if it was an action film or trying to have a social conscience; maybe due to all them big actors now looking about 90.

Funniest

Gold – amusing tale of an idiot prospector.

Best kids

BFG – good old-fashioned kids’ movie

Pete’s Dragon

Tales from the Co-op - Vol 4

2.   Home delivery training

Last week, I arranged for home delivery of my weekly shop from the co-op.  When I got to the till and gave the cashier my bit of paper, she said “Sorry, I’m new.  I don’t know what to do.”

I informed her that she needed to ring her bell and call “Home delivery, till number 3”.  She did so, and the bell rang incessantly which seemed to distress her.  

Eventually a colleague appeared who informed me me that she was also new and had never dealt with a home delivery before.

I replied “Don’t worry, I’ve done it lots of times.” I helped her sort the groceries into bags according to whether they were fresh, ambient or frozen.  When it came to taking payment, the young woman on the till did not know how to scan the home delivery info.

I spotted a more senior member of staff on the self-checkout and suggested she call him over.  When he arrived, he said “I haven’t worked on the till for two years.”

After what seemed an age, between the four of us, we completed the transaction.  I joked that they should pay me for staff training!

1. Cash back saga 

Last Saturday I had a basket full of shopping when I remembered I had no cash on me.  I went back outside to use the cash machine.  It was not working so I crossed over the road to go to the bank.  I then decided to get bread from the local bakers.  I picked the wrong moment!  A woman got in just before me and spent ages buying half the shop.  Eventually I got served.  

Back at the co-op, I retrieved my basket and queued at the kiosk to pay.  The same woman appeared behind me and I heard her ask: “Do I have to buy something to get cash back?” She sounded indignant that the cash machine wasn’t working, as if it were a personal affront.  I almost pointed out that she had walked past a bank with a cash dispenser on the other side of the street but decided I couldn’t be bothered.  

The cashier replied, “Yes, you have to buy something”.  

She then asked “Is there a minimum spend?”  

It transpired there was not and she grabbed a pack of sweets.  

Back home, I marvelled at how a short pop to the shop had turned into an expedition!

Films watched 2016

Best crime drama

Legend - Tom Hardy excellent at playing both Kray twins and very funny.  Best line: a paranoid schizophrenic walks into a bar…

Best action movie

Black Sea - Jude Law and associates as submariners in search of Nazi gold.

  

Best foreign crime drama

Suburra - Italian tale of gangsters in Rome and Ostia.

Best Kid’s film

Big Hero 6 – American/Japanese collaboration.  Surprisingly few of the latter credited as compositors/digital artists.

Best Biog

Miles Ahead – very amusing film about Miles Davies.  A hoot!

Best Bollywood

Veer - historical romp that flits between India and England (extensive use of Greenwich, and featuring Dover castle).  Also featured some excellent man earrings.

Best Cheap Brit Flick

Re-directed - Vinnie Jones has a riot in Lithuania.

Best Brit comedy

Golden Years: Grand Theft OAP – nice gentle comedy about old people robbing banks.  Good cast too. 

Best Foreign comedy

Look Who’s Back – Hitler time-travels to present day and gets mistaken for a stand-up comedian.

Best Shakespeare

Macbeth - very atmospheric 2015 version.

Best re-telling of an old classic

In the Heart of the Sea – Excellent re-telling of Moby Dick.  A great whale and lots of manly antics. 

Best Brit horror

Stonehearst Asylum - lunatics take over the asylum, with a twist…

Best foreign horror

Asmodexia - amazing Spanish film about an exorcist and his granddaughter, with an extraordinary twist!

Best comedy horror

Frankenstein’s Army - hilarious tale of Nazi Frankenstein creatures being discovered by Russians at the end of WW2.  I hadn’t laughed so much in ages although methinks the actors playing the monsters (Zombots) had the most fun dressing up in junk and acting like Lindsay Kemp. 

Best fantasy

Alice Through the Looking Glass -  awesome shiny CGI and a very funny Sacha Baron Cohen.

Best blockbuster sci-fi

The Martian – a veritable Ridley Scott masterpiece.  Most excellent, even by his standards.

Best British sci-fi

High-Rise - really good period details and true to Ballard, despite the iffy reviews.

Best Russian war film

Come and See - weird old Russian film, set in Belarus in WW2.  Made some valid points about the effects of war, unbelievably made in 1985 when Russia was still communist. 

Nordic Noir

Order of Disappearance - great title; decent film.

Most educational

The Last King -  educational and scenic Nordic offering, with snow, Christmas trees and pretty horses.

Funniest Guardian film

Lost in Karastan (funny Guardian film)

Best Western

Wild Horses - modern western about an old git and a missing persons search.  The main characters are played by Robert Duvall and his daughter – both excellent.

Best post-war German

Labyrinth of Lies - good but not cheery story of Germans being in denial about Auschwitz.

Best Irish

Odine - sweet tale of a fisherman who catches a woman in his net.

Best Zombie flick

Pride and prejudice and Zombies - very clever and quite amusing but not enough zombies.

Most unwatchable

Exorcist – House of Evil.  Terrible!  I was expecting a follow-up to the original exorcist but it turned out to be a really cheap effort with jerky frames and bad acting.