Films watched 2015

Best Epic - Exodus - Gods and Kings.  Ridley did not let us down

Best action flick - Fast & Furious 7.  Ridiculous but entertaining as ever

Best repeat - Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. Last year’s film of the year and still awesome!

Best has-beens caper - Expendables 3.  Excellent lark although the plot rambles a lot in the middle.  Banderas is a gem and the end fight scene in a ruined Russian hotel resort is a hoot

Most original plot device - The Dying of the Light.  Nic Cage as aged CIA agent in pursuit of aged terrorist, both with health issues.  A novel idea well executed 

Best Arnie romp - The Last Stand.  Arnie as sheriff foils baddies in shit stick Arizona

Oddest Arnie flick – Sabotage.  Like three different films stuck together: i. everyday tale of a weary DEA squad; ii. A whodunit; iii. A Colombian-set western

Best Statham flick – Hummingbird. Jace shows he can actually act as a down and out ex-soldier

Most pointless remake – 13. The budget was so low Statham couldn’t afford a shave.  The basic premise appeared farfetched and the characters’ actions often seemed implausible.  When we watched the original –13 Tzameti (a Georgian tale) it made a lot more sense and rendered the American remake totally pointless

Best film with one character on screen - Locke - Tom Hardy in a car on the phone

Most complicated plot - Cleanskin.  Even after reading the Wikipedia entry, I was perplexed

Most disappointing title - In the Electric Mist.  Adapted from the book ‘In the Electric Mist with confederate Dead’ which sounds way cooler. Also, a disappointingly pedestrian plot

Grimmest film set in South Africa- Zulu.   Cape Town set escapade with Forest Whitaker and Orlando Bloom in scruffy loser cop mode 

Creepiest Christmas film – Calvaire.  Unsettling Xmas fare with shades of Deliverance

Best Horror film location - Chernobyl Diaries.  The characters seemed incidental to the ghostly post-nuclear meltdown backdrop

Most imaginative Zombie film plot - Fallen Soldiers.  Interesting Napoleonic war undead caper

Best low budget horror – Vampire. Imaginative Belgian low budget offering; funny and entertaining.  We guessed it was crowd-funded as the production values improved during the film

Best film based on real events - The Devil’s Double.  Story of the madness of Sadam Hussein’s son.  Inappropriate partner laughter during the first viewing distracted me from some excellent scenes

Close second - the Iceman.  True tale of a Mafia hit man.  I especially liked his ice cream van-driving colleague who used it to get rid of evidence; made a change from selling drugs

Best sci-fi sequel - Monsters – Dark Continent.  Set 10 years later and very different.  More like a war movie with cool monsters

Cutest robot film – Chappie.  Impossibly cute South African robot.   Good story with obvious undercurrents of Robocop 

Close second - Robot & Frank.  Lovely, funny, quirky little film about an old ex-con and his robot helping him do crimes

Best British sci-fi – Narcopolis.  Really good low budget tech-noir

Best Australian sci-fi – Predestination.  Interesting time travel tale with awesome turn by Sarah Snook.  Might even be the best Aussie movie I’ve ever seen

Most disappointing sci-fi – Franklyn.  Billed as futuristic steampunk flick but a missed opportunity and more could have been made of the device 

Most puzzling sci-fi - Ex-Machina.   Better than expected. The puzzle was why feminists were up in arms about it as the men get their comeuppance at the end

Best Western - The Homesman.  The excellent Tommy Lee Jones and Hilary Swank in a sort of Western road movie

Most relaxing Western - All the Pretty Horses. Very calming adaptation f the Cormac McCarthy book

Best shoot-out - Open Range.  Fantastic final gunfight scene

Best WWII flick – Fury.  Very realistic and engaging.   Young actor Logan Lerman (previously known as Percy Jackson) is outstanding

Best British WWII flick - The Imitation Game.  Really good despite suggesting that Turing invented the computer

Best feel-good WWII film - Free Men.  Muslims save Jews in the Grand Mosque de Paris during the war.  Surprisingly relaxing with not many Nazis in it

Best Russian film – Citadel (Burnt by the Sun Part 2.2).  Last instalment of the epic series.  Apparently unpopular in Russia due to an unfavourable portrayal of Stalin.  Odd for two reasons:  firstly, he came across as a bit of a card, and secondly I didn’t think they still cared. 

Best costume drama - The Devil’s Violinist.  Entertaining tale of the notorious Paganini

Best jazz film – Howl.   The Allen Ginsberg obscenity trial with imaginative use of animation

Most thought-provoking German film - Stations of the Cross.  A devout catholic girl sacrifices her life for Jesus.  Austere young priest gives best argument ever for renouncing the trappings of Satan

Most worthy watch – Leviathan.  Russian sticks it to the man with grim results

Unexpectedly good - American Sniper. An interesting narrative from Mr Eastwood

Most impossible to watch - The Iceman (not to be confused with film of same name cited above).  After trying for hours to get it to play, we got 5 minutes into this tale of a 500 year old coming back to life and couldn’t continue it was so bad! 

Tales from the Co-op Vol 3

12.              Wanker

The co-op workforce appear a lot happier and friendlier since the grand re-opening.  The cheery woman scanning my items asked after my health and I said it must be nice to be back.  “It’s nice to be back inside.” she informed me, “Rather than having to stand around in the cold staffing the ‘pop up shop’”.  

As I worked through my shopping list, I searched in vain for an everyday item that alluded me since it had been relocated after refurbishment.  I asked a young woman on the shop floor for help.  As I spoke to her, I noticed she wore a headset and I wondered if she was listening to music.  But then I realised it was a hi-tech communications device. 

The cashier at the nearby kiosk said “hello” to me and I mentioned the new fangled devices and posited that they were probably an improvement on shouting at one another across the store. 

”That’s true”, she agreed, “But you need to be careful.” 

“Why?” I asked.

 “Well, the other day, a young male colleague didn’t realise his was still turned on and called the boss a wanker.  That’s why I don’t like wearing mine.”

 
11. Cakes and Porkers

Since the Boxing Day flood, during which the co-op was totally submerged, purchases had to be made from a van parked outside the ruined store.  The grand reopening was announced via leaflet drops, strewn with coupons.  As a member, I got a voucher for a free cake and was keen to visit on the first day to claim this boon.  As I left my house, I saw a neighbour and had a bit of a chat.  I mentioned free cake and she was most put out that her husband had been out earlier and not brought one back.  

Arriving at the reborn store, I had a bit of an irate moment as I realised the spanking new trolleys were coin-operated and I had no change on me.  I went inside and picked up a basket even though it was not big enough for my intended purchases.  I hovered at the entrance slightly over-awed by the buzziness and busyness of the place.  I fended off offers of free sausage samples from the ‘Porcus’ purveyors.  

An employee handing out leaflets approached me.  I asked her if I could get change for the trolley and she kindly obliged.  I then proceeded round the aisles, sparkling with newness.

Cabinets with sliding doors now housed most of the stock, making it difficult to spot things.  And of course there had been the inevitable change round of entire sections to confuse us more. Keeping my nerve, I managed to get most items on my list.  

At the checkout I started to unload my shopping onto the belt, despite  a dearth of ‘next customer’ bars.  The young man on the till waved one of the rare bars at me and asked: “are there any of them down there?”  I made a show of looking underneath and then informed him: “No.  If there was, I’d be using it”, much to the amusement of the old lady in front of me in the queue.  

As I was being served, the cashier chatted to his mate.  Out of interest, I asked where the home delivery machine had gone. 

“It’s over there, behind the porkers”, he informed me.  Then he realised what he had said and coloured with embarrassment.   

All three of us laughed and I said “I’ll pretend you didn’t say that.  It’s the excitement of being inside again, isn’t it?” 

“Yes,” he said.  

On the way out, a young woman accosted me and got me to enter a prize draw for £100 and spin a wheel whereupon I scored another free cake!  I saw my neighbour again on the way back and informed her I had got two free cakes and  told her to send her husband back out.  

10.       Dangerous Trolley Driving

A few weeks ago, I was doing my normal weekly shop in the co-op.  I had my phone in one hand so I could consult my list, whilst steering the trolley carefully with my other hand.  I moved slowly to avoid any mishaps. 

As I was about to turn up the last aisle, a woman came rushing towards me in the opposite direction.  She had no basket; instead, both her hands were full of groceries.  As she rounded the corner, she came to a dead stop in front of my trolley.  I smiled at her in a friendly fashion. 

“Ooh! Dangerous trolley driving!” she exclaimed in a patronising tone.

I was gob-smacked that she should speak to another adult in this fashion.  I told her to eff off but she didn’t hear me (probably a good thing as it might have got nasty).  

When I related the incident to a friend, she said “I bet she was a school teacher.”  I agreed that thought had also occurred to me.  Still no excuse though.

9.       The Bacup Cult

At a recent visit to the co-op, the young cashier was serving a young woman at the till.  Apparently, a mutual school friend had converted to Islam.  

“She sent my mum a photo of herself in all her Eid gear.”  The cashier reported.   “She’s living with a ‘converted family’ in Bacup”.  

The woman being served said “Oh no! I hope she’s alright.  It’s hard to get out of that.  It’s like a cult”.   

Unable to keep quiet any longer, I interjected: “Islam is a religion not a cult”.  

They both looked at me doubtfully and one of them said: “It depends. You don’t know who’s got them into it.”  

“Yes,  that’s right”, I said “She’ll be off to Syria next...”