Research by a bunch of
twelve year old interns has concluded that eating ten portions of vegetables a
day eliminates the risk of death by 100 per cent from absolutely anything,
including falling under a bus.
The shock claims came after
extensive study of 63 middle class people in Basingstoke, with an average age
of 492.
The
researchers also discovered that most of the population will die if they stick
to the current five-a-day recommendation. The news was even worse for those
fond of fruit cocktail cubes (like your granny used to put in her trifle) as
apparently canned and frozen fruit increased the risk of dying by 700 per cent,
and as for fruit juice – forget it!
The
study’s lead author, Dr Oyinlola Oyebode of the Posh University’s department of
pointless research said: “The clear message here is that the more vegetables you
eat, the less likely you are to die at all. My advice would be that however much you are
eating now, eat more and then more, and then top that up with more.”
Alarmed
experts called on the Government to immediately tax vegetables to ensure that
people did not live too long and become a drain on society. Alongside this proposal, they also suggested reducing
the cost of sugary foods which they claim ‘get a bad press’.
The
government has previously attempted to interfere in the everyday dietary habits
of the population by introducing the five-a-day guidelines. Nevertheless, most people are so stubborn that
they do not take a blind bit of notice of this advice.
Some
members of the public reacted angrily to the new guidance with one woman on
Ashton market declaring: ‘I like fruit, I like veg., but I don’t eat them every
day. And I’m a hundred and two next week so sod the lot of ‘em!
